Thursday, 11 May 2017

Real Life

Over the many years, at supposedly random moments, I've felt loss and pain. I know that I'm no different, better, or worse, than anyone else, but it’s still something that’s happened to me. Most of us have loved, lost, watched people walk away or even, which is also quite possible, walked away from individuals. Of course none of us, I hope, meant to hurt anyone but that’s this thing called life.

Right now, today, this moment that’s being shared via the power of words, I'm scattered across the floor and room. A thousand little bits. Maybe even a million. I'm not going to count.  Being this divided, across said room, is literally forcing me to face a thousand memories. Each little bit of me, this person, has a thought to share and exclaim. That would be okay, as I'm used to a hundred thoughts flashing across my mind, but in this case each thought wishes to torture my soul.


We've all felt doubt, felt lost, even felt guilty, but for me they’re all emotional moments bombarding my mind over and over again. Usually, when under pressure, I find a solution, I look to the positive while thinking how the negative might come into play but, no matter what, I rise as that’s what I need to do. I know what needs to be done. I act. Even if it takes a week, a month, after each angle’s explored, I act.  Now, today, I'm truly stuck screaming for an answer.

There is no answer. My Mother passed away, she’s no longer here and, just the thought of that, makes me cry pure anguish into the world. I’m so angry, almost broken, that the person that’s held my hand from the moment I arrived into the world is no longer here. Then, the next second, all I feel is her memory trying to tell me that I’ll be okay.

This weekend I visited Ireland which, in a way, is facing certain aspects head on. I don’t know the answer. Time heals all but, in this case, there is no healing from this situation. I almost feel that I need to literally bleed tears until I can heal but I just don’t know how to do that. I’ve been brought up, more or less trained, to be self-sufficient. I’ve spent so much time on my own that I do not know how to share these aspects of my life which means, when I’m on my own, I grasp at a chance to let the emotion free. I cry, I scream, I wrestle with the thoughts until the calm invades everything again.

There is no escape from who you are and how you feel. There is no vision of a perfect solution. I can feel my mind, in the background, speaking with my heart, trying to resolve the issues and conflict within. I know that they’ll find a solution, eventually, as that’s how stubborn I must be. I know that I’m not the only person feeling the madness that wants to take control, but I, we, won’t let it.

Life isn’t fair, it’s not meant to be, as it’s natural, progressing forward no matter the cost or implications for feelings, family or anything else. There is a time for all things. Right now, this time in my life, is a time to heal and grow. How on earth I can grow I truly do not know but I still have hope. From all pain there can flow a better path.

I’ll carry on crying, I’ll carry on shouting at random objects, I’ll find a way to let the pain escape as that’s as much as any of us can do. It hurts like hell, it literally makes me want to scream, to thrash around damning the world, but that’s not fair as I can hardly ever expect lenience from a world where no special favour is provided by nature. This is the natural order that has always been, will always be, without question or divergence.

In a way, my own little way, this blog is my own little fountain of expression. I can type, then type more words, slowly and quietly, letting my thoughts escape into the world until I divert to fiction again. This is real life, this is happening now, but tomorrow might just be a work of fiction. I truly hope so.

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Being aware of your own feelings, your thoughts, how you're coping with the world is important so please, no matter how you do it, share!

There's friends, family and forums that should hopefully be ready to listen
http://www.loveshack.org