Monday, 14 May 2018

Depression


I can feel the ashes, falling, breaking into smaller parts of the person that I once was. The heat, still looming throughout everything in front of me, starts to fade as I rise. I know that I shouldn't be able to stand, that I should stay where I've fallen, but that’s not the emotion that I'm supposed to be, the person that was created from the many years of life. All it takes is one step, just one, which I make as soon as my body allows the instruction to reach my muscles.


Another step, the heat starting to fade, allowing a further movement away from the destruction of my own making. I'm aware, I've always been aware, of what’s going on within my surroundings but sometimes, those moments, I let the world take control and run away with itself. Silly me, oh silly me, why on earth do any of us let the world take control of our destiny?

It burnt to the ground, this life of mine. Maybe you've been here too. That moment when the cup falls from your hand, smashing to the ground, sending pieces across the floor. It wasn't the drop, it’s not the crash that damages you, it’s the thoughts after when you have to clean up the mess. That’s the damage, that’s where the fire consumes you. Destroys you. Burns everything to the ground.

You question, you question again, trying to rectify, find that resolution to combat all, but that seldom works. You have to burn. You have to cry and scream. You have to experience the break, the down, before applying that band aid.

It’s difficult, beyond imagination, that our lives are held together by strands of time. We've pieced together a life of moments. We share with someone, possibly anyone, while protecting ourselves as much as we can. None of that matters, when we really think about it, as we’re trapped within our very own lives by the realistic fear of doing something else. Being someone else. Heaven forbid that we actually wish for change. I fought with depression, the dirty word that most of us have experienced, yet seldom have the strength to speak of, without realising that the people that sit beside us have been through something similar.

But that’s then, this is now, my footsteps becoming more of a walk. I stumble, the heat and destruction nearly a memory in the distant past, as I attempt to run. That’s it, one foot in front of the other, widening the gap between each step. I'm running, tears streaming from my eyes, never actually realising that I could escape to a new place, a better place. The freedom hits my face, the touch as soft as the purest feather, reminding me that there is such a thing as sunshine from the utter darkness that we create within our own souls.

Settling into a jog, heart nearly bursting after being silent for so long, the adrenaline pushing me again and again. I'm free, finally, the smile across my face feeling exhilarating and pushing me further. This is a new life, a new me, a place that I can build with simplicity. No need for clutter, no need for anything other that my own peace. As simple as I can make it. I'm not leaving this world with all of my possessions so I can forsake many of the things that I think that I want, instead, working with what I need.

My heart is alive, I'm going to tell the world, from the highest mountain. Even if no-one can hear me, even if no-one replies, I'm still expressing my feelings and throwing positive energy into the void. If only we could all rise from our ashes, the broken places that hold the failed promises. I know that we can all do this. I know that we can all be… more. I'm free, my hands are open, embrace me, hold my hand, so together we can fight the words that none of us hear.


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