Monday, 7 May 2018

Vulnerable


There’s moments when I cannot control how I feel, the rare time that my defences are down, down all the way to the very floor that I'm standing upon right now. I'm fully open, scared, vulnerable, wanting to feel and nothing else. My mind is all over the place, the very emotions I control finally grasping control of the foundations of my life. It’s wondrous, it’s making me feel alive but, at the same time, it’s not a place I often visit.


My female heart is beating, that little bit faster, the circumstances of the moment dictating my resolve and the seconds are like the beating of my said heart. I know that it’s probably not the time to say this, when I'm filled with grief, of loss, but I just want to throw myself at you, to be around you, in any single simple way that I can.

If there were ever a time that a woman makes love, it would be now. Right now. There’s no point in delaying the outcome as time is valuable. The time, as mentioned above, won’t last forever. Grasp me, hold me, let me hold all of you. I’m going to drown myself within your life, that body, kissing all of your lips as I just want to feel. I’m sick of staying within this mind of mine and just want to feel.

Emotions be damned, emotions be withheld, I’m in that mood and it doesn’t happen often. Love, make, love, do, love me as I’m sure to love you. I’m lost, help me find the way, I’m open, keep the door that way, invite yourself in as I’ll be around all of you. I’m so scared right now, unbelievably scrambling for something, someone, to hold. Embrace me, race me, never reaching the finish line.

I know that I'm hurting, I know that I'm in pain and the thought of using another is not what I want but, it doesn't matter. I need something. I need more. I need to feel before I close myself again. Please, help. Me.

I just cannot find the words for something that’s deep inside of me. I cannot control this part of me, I cannot hide the feelings I have, despite doing a very good job of doing so. I know that you’re not a detective but some things, at some times, I have to spell out to you.  No-one has any idea of how I feel, they couldn't, as every single desire and wish is there for the taking. I need to wrap myself around you.

But this is not the case, I sit here alone, screaming silently. I’ll close the doors, soon, in a few hours time, maybe tomorrow, but they will close. No-one gets to see my heart often, although it’s there and it’s a kind heart, but I’m not talking about that side of me. I’m talking about a woman, bonding, holding, feeling, giving my energy to another in a way that cannot be faulted.

I’ll not tell you this, of course, as I dare not. I’ll write it, I’ll think about it, while holding my grief and unstable state together the best I can. After all, when all is said and written, I dare not open myself to anyone least of all the world. That's what it means, to be vulnerable.

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