Tuesday, 30 October 2018

Surrender


I tried. I truly, truly tried, then failed. I raised the defences years ago, solidified them, moulded them, only to see them all fall within mere moments of a simply beautiful, little, kiss. I fell away, drifted, only to find that every waking moment wanted me to return to you.


I'm supposed to be the one that escapes such things, easily bruised, cut, but always managing to survive. I've seen all corners of the emotional scale, and I appreciate it all. The heartbroken, the mild heart-breaker, the wisher of love and giver of such affection, that I don’t even know the limits.

You said my name, light the flame, filled my eyes with your splendour and the rest was said and done.  The worlds we lived within, the places we inhabited, crashed together all at once and at a time of such tragedy.

I could love, truly love, forever and a day. I would hold you until my very heart broke away from my chest but that, that type of thing, is simply not allowed. I refuse. I state my concerns against such a thing. It is not for me or for the now. My grace within  this world is kept for the wondrous, the dreamers, the beautifully minded of this existence.

Shielded, shrouded with a mask of smiles and sunshine, I know what’s underneath, sleeping, waiting, denied the chance to surface into the real world. I lack fire, a flame, that moment that truly awakens a person into being. It’s okay, don’t worry, we’re all hiding from something.

Yet, no matter the shields, the capacity to shrug away the words and actions, I still managed to fall. Weakened by circumstance, the moments colliding into each other, I dared to move forward and hold a hand. It was held. It was held by such warmth that something moved within my chest. I ignored the fear, I denied the hope, suffering on so many levels that I couldn't see or even sense what was about to happen.

I fell. The angels wept for me. They prayed for me. They could see me in the dark room, huddled within a corner of my mind, replacing all fears and tears with the thought of you. My mind overpowered me, held me down, striped me of my strength and purpose. I tried. I fought as hard as I could but the damage was already done.

At this time in my life I craved an empress, not a mistress, to embrace my world. I can be all powerful, I can command my own life and actions but for once, for twice, I wanted to hear a commanding voice enliven my world.

But, instead, I landed upon my knees, looking into the stars, realising that all the majestic moments in the world had forsaken me by turning their backs to my plight. Maybe, just maybe, this was meant to be. I had healed, I had been broken. Naked, no longer able to hide behind any fear, as fear itself thrashed me to an inch of my own life. This. This is what makes a person. Do not look away from the demon within you. Face it. Embrace it. Overcome it. This is what I will do.

I can smile, right at this moment, realising the mistakes I've made and said. It’s too late. Truly too late to re-imagine the nightmares digesting my brain and life. What I can do now is wait. What I can do now is seek healing. With no defences left, no failings left to use, I will still crawl to sanctuary. I will never, ever, give up. No matter my state of mind. No matter the loss, the suffering, the moments where all I'm left with is tears and anguish.  I'm alive. I'm beating with my own heart and I will never, ever, give up. I have no platforms to rest upon and neither will I need such things.

You walked through my defences, as low as they were, embraced me, then erased me and the rest is history. No matter the moments that existed, no reason that I can think of to fall away again, I crawl to the gate, I bang upon the door and await my saviour. Today, when I embrace my heart and mind, I will admit, I will loudly proclaim to all who look upon me, then shout as loudly as I can…

“I surrender!”

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