The small drops of sweat fall from my brow, moving with such speed that tired eyes barely struggle to find enough energy to focus. I place a hand onto the grass covered rock, steadying, stopping and taking a moment to exhale tragically beaten air taken from exhausted lungs. Looking around with squinting eyes due to the sunshine beating down onto my frame, heating, expelling further energy, ensuring that each step and thought is harder than the next.
With my other hand I rub my eyes, removing the grief
sustained and built over the years, the moments that have made me blink in
amazement, shock, fear or even moments of joy. It’s a struggle, it’s easy, it’s
magnificent and above all, that great big mountain of life that we all must
climb. I let go of the rock, placing my hands either side of my body and
stretch my back. A smile reaches my mouth as my spine thanks me for the sudden
gesture of relief, a few seconds respite, before I carry on forward.
I could say that the climb’s been hard, that it’s battered
my body to within an inch of its life but, if I’m brutally honest, it hasn’t.
Sure, yeah, I’ve had the moments of tears, the screaming aloud while driving,
the seconds of anguish that still haunt my
heart and still present in my mind when I look to the side of my soul,
but compared to others, compared to hidden moments, I’m thankful for what I
have and where I’ve been.
I place a foot forward and then bring the other foot in
front of the other, moving, again, inching away from the path trodden before.
Each second, hour, day, moves me ever forward to the mountain top where I meet
the end, the everlasting sunshine where everything turns to white and my smile
finally fades. I know I cannot go back, I know that I have my memories of each
person, of each place, of the kisses and crimes and weeks of silence.
I turn my head to look behind, to see what’s been left
behind but I stop myself. Instead I look down and then, just then, I become sad
knowing that I’ve made mistakes, I’ve said some awful things and done even
worse but, when I look up the mountain, when I turn to look up again, that’s
time that I can never get back, that I can never return to. I remind myself to
let it go. I reprimand myself and silently apologise to those that I have
wronged.
No, never, not again, not in this place, in my life and this
moment. I must move forward and although I can see the distance in its faded
fashion, although I can envision such a melody playing in the days to come, I
know that each step I take on this very day, right now, will form what I hope
will be my future. As my legs ache and my hearts forces me to venture again I
take another step and, at the start of each day, that is all I can do. Take
another step. Never give up. Never stop. Never fade. Never, ever, ever, let the
people climbing the mountain next to you slow you down. It’s a challenge, it’s
a kind of race, it’s all a certain conclusion that together or apart, we’ll all
reach the top one day.
Another step moves forward and I notice that I no longer
need to carry my guilt. I no longer need to feel the weight of the world on my
shoulders. We can forgive, we may never forget, but why carry these things up
this mountain? I stop, again, to reflect. I need this trip to be as light as
possible, to be free of doubt, free of pain, light of heart and with eyes of
hope. Licking my dry bottom lip I drop the guilt to the side of me, letting it
fall into the wind and, as it flies away, I wonder why I hadn’t accepted my
part in things years back. It may have taken those years, it may have weighed
the same as a hundred hearts upon my shoulders, but once you accept what has
happened you can let it go. It was my fault, it was your fault, it was the
fault of the world but in the end… it matters not.
I move, smiling as I go, holding out my hands, waiting for
another to place their faith onto my fingertips. I might be moving, people
might be moving, but for a few moments, maybe even for a day or a year, I can
hold the hand of another person. Let them go, welcome them in, never own them
and let them be free. I ask nothing less or more on this journey.
I notice that I’m still smiling and, for some reason, each
footstep is getting easier and a bit quicker. It takes a while but, in the end,
life can get easier. My foot, along the way, has managed to get stuck a few
times and although I asked for help, although I faltered, I knew that I always
had the power to free myself from the quagmire. It is fear that halts all of us,
it is pain that seems to make each of us weak, believing that we cannot climb
on our own. Take that step, raise your weary body, dust yourself down and keep
climbing.
Tomorrow, the next day, maybe in a few minutes, I’ll see you
on the climb and, hopefully, I’ll be smiling and so will you. After all no-one
ever said that this climb was going to be easy but, as long as we’re in charge
of our footsteps, we have to make them count.
See you soon x
