Saturday, 13 December 2014

The Mountain

The small drops of sweat fall from my brow, moving with such speed that tired eyes barely struggle to find enough energy to focus. I place a hand onto the grass covered rock, steadying, stopping and taking a moment to exhale tragically beaten air taken from exhausted lungs. Looking around with squinting eyes due to the sunshine beating down onto my frame, heating, expelling further energy, ensuring that each step and thought is harder than the next.

With my other hand I rub my eyes, removing the grief sustained and built over the years, the moments that have made me blink in amazement, shock, fear or even moments of joy. It’s a struggle, it’s easy, it’s magnificent and above all, that great big mountain of life that we all must climb. I let go of the rock, placing my hands either side of my body and stretch my back. A smile reaches my mouth as my spine thanks me for the sudden gesture of relief, a few seconds respite, before I carry on forward.

I could say that the climb’s been hard, that it’s battered my body to within an inch of its life but, if I’m brutally honest, it hasn’t. Sure, yeah, I’ve had the moments of tears, the screaming aloud while driving, the seconds of anguish that still haunt my  heart and still present in my mind when I look to the side of my soul, but compared to others, compared to hidden moments, I’m thankful for what I have and where I’ve been.

I place a foot forward and then bring the other foot in front of the other, moving, again, inching away from the path trodden before. Each second, hour, day, moves me ever forward to the mountain top where I meet the end, the everlasting sunshine where everything turns to white and my smile finally fades. I know I cannot go back, I know that I have my memories of each person, of each place, of the kisses and crimes and weeks of silence.

I turn my head to look behind, to see what’s been left behind but I stop myself. Instead I look down and then, just then, I become sad knowing that I’ve made mistakes, I’ve said some awful things and done even worse but, when I look up the mountain, when I turn to look up again, that’s time that I can never get back, that I can never return to. I remind myself to let it go. I reprimand myself and silently apologise to those that I have wronged.

No, never, not again, not in this place, in my life and this moment. I must move forward and although I can see the distance in its faded fashion, although I can envision such a melody playing in the days to come, I know that each step I take on this very day, right now, will form what I hope will be my future. As my legs ache and my hearts forces me to venture again I take another step and, at the start of each day, that is all I can do. Take another step. Never give up. Never stop. Never fade. Never, ever, ever, let the people climbing the mountain next to you slow you down. It’s a challenge, it’s a kind of race, it’s all a certain conclusion that together or apart, we’ll all reach the top one day.

Another step moves forward and I notice that I no longer need to carry my guilt. I no longer need to feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. We can forgive, we may never forget, but why carry these things up this mountain? I stop, again, to reflect. I need this trip to be as light as possible, to be free of doubt, free of pain, light of heart and with eyes of hope. Licking my dry bottom lip I drop the guilt to the side of me, letting it fall into the wind and, as it flies away, I wonder why I hadn’t accepted my part in things years back. It may have taken those years, it may have weighed the same as a hundred hearts upon my shoulders, but once you accept what has happened you can let it go. It was my fault, it was your fault, it was the fault of the world but in the end… it matters not.

I move, smiling as I go, holding out my hands, waiting for another to place their faith onto my fingertips. I might be moving, people might be moving, but for a few moments, maybe even for a day or a year, I can hold the hand of another person. Let them go, welcome them in, never own them and let them be free. I ask nothing less or more on this journey.

I notice that I’m still smiling and, for some reason, each footstep is getting easier and a bit quicker. It takes a while but, in the end, life can get easier. My foot, along the way, has managed to get stuck a few times and although I asked for help, although I faltered, I knew that I always had the power to free myself from the quagmire. It is fear that halts all of us, it is pain that seems to make each of us weak, believing that we cannot climb on our own. Take that step, raise your weary body, dust yourself down and keep climbing.

Tomorrow, the next day, maybe in a few minutes, I’ll see you on the climb and, hopefully, I’ll be smiling and so will you. After all no-one ever said that this climb was going to be easy but, as long as we’re in charge of our footsteps, we have to make them count.

See you soon x

Friday, 14 November 2014


Slowly, deftly, with precision, the blade edge moves across the wooden surface, sculpting, crafting the image to my defined design. I pause, reflect, muse, decide then continue. Usually, when creating an item of worth, you roughly know what you’re going to make but on this occasion, right now, I know exactly what I need.

I’ve been thinking and, after seeing the world for what it is, I feel that I need to make a small change. It’s not dramatic enough to make a scene or ruckus, it’s not worth shouting about, but it’s a needed change nonetheless and worth the wait. Maybe we should all make small changes, maybe we could all be better and, just maybe, we could make ourselves heal.

With an increased amount of force I make a small ‘v’ indentation into the wood, cutting each side with the eye of an expert, making sure that both sides feel equal. There’s always a balance to things in life, always, as nature has shown time and time again. As people we often destroy such balance be it emotional, physical and spiritual or even unseen elements.

There, it’s nearly done, it’s just about complete. I’ve created myself a new heart, a heart of wood, a living breathing armour that can grow, that can heal, that stays grounded through me, within me, ready to take life’s struggles, life’s harsh words and, above all, steady when faced with my own failures. It’s taken many years, it’s proven to be a challenge but, finally, it’s ready and so am I.

Maybe I’ll take orders, create a few more, maybe I’ll bestow wisdom while relishing the moment to learn more or, failing all of that, maybe I’ll just keep it all a secret. After all, when the world turns off for the night, we need to keep ourselves safe and warm.

Slowly, deftly, with precision, the heart awakens with its new found strength. I react, start to wonder if it should have been made from a stronger substance,  I then hear the beating, I smile at the thought and venture into the world again. 

Saturday, 8 November 2014


As an ocean of sound, an avenue of rain, pours onto the world on this dark dusky chilled night I gather my thoughts that still remain. With fingertips that touch with the promise of holding a rose I gather the memories of the past, I grasp the ideals of a perfect future and firmly hold onto this very day. It’s now, it’s happening, it’s life, real, realistic, relished, rampant and at times a rancorous notion.

At what moment would or should I say how I feel? Shall I remain stagnant, remise my responsibility to ensure life vibrates at the harmonious frequency that we crave? There is little solace to be found with saying nothing until tomorrow. This is nothing but a fervour to hold onto what was said the previous day while, all along, the only words that really matter are the words spoken at the very second that the sound leaves your precious, pure, sensitive, seductively passionate and enticing lips. I want to hear you all over me, all day, all night, forever until the silence appears at the very end of everything.

I can still hear the tapping of the rain behind the rapacious thoughts, the beating threads attached to my minds living energy being expelled into the void. Come now… hear me, listen to me, feel my thoughts around you, within you, tasting your skin and wishing that yesterday didn’t happen, that today would be a different day, with tomorrow starting, being, then ending with you and only you.
I know that I shouldn’t want… you. I know that there’s rules, regulations, lines, paths that can never be explored but who said that it had to be this way? Whom indeed. No-one, not one person, not one voice, will ever stop the thoughts that escape. We’re dreamers, we’re full of hope, smiles, joy, until that day it’s finally taken from us. I don’t care what they say, what they do, they’ll never take this away from me, from us, from you.

When all has been spoken and the thoughts thrown to the world, I’ll remain here, still, vigilant, aware, poised to take any advantage that I can. I’m alive, I’m real, I’m part of the bigger plan and that, alone, will remain. Tomorrow need not exist, yesterday seems to fade with each second and today is all I require. Today. Today is you, today is me and today is every single person deciding to be more than they were the day before.

As an ocean of sound, an avenue of rain, pours onto the world on this dark dusky chilled night I gather my thoughts that still remain. With a new understanding I’m finally free of the past, I’m planning for a better future and today… yes today, will be the day that I make things the way they should be. We’re now, this is our lives, raw, a live recording, no test scripts, so let’s stand, grasp today and simply… be what we’re meant to be.

Tuesday, 8 July 2014

Don't let go!

Suddenly, abruptly, without a seconds thought, she lifted her head from where it rested on the coffee table, lent forward and kissed him. It wasn’t a standard kiss, a small kiss, a passing kiss or a kiss meant to express mild affection or brief emotion, it was a kiss that literally stopped the seconds moving across the face of a clock. The rush of breath quickly faded to the moment and her lips, he tasted her lips, the same lips that he’d glanced at so many times. He’d always wondered how they’d taste, bitter sweet, tempting, or even cherry chap-stick but either way, he knew they’d be ever so soft.

Whispers, moments of exhaustive fleeting rapture, the emotion of loving someone in secret finally realised. He felt her move again across the surface of his mouth, expressing her desire as if he were the very mention of her thoughts, alive, real, that very present. She moved back, still with her hand holding the back of his neck, gently caressing his hair, looking straight into his eyes. The smiles appeared, the happy finality of expression realised, she glanced down, lowered her head slightly and looked back into his eyes, “I’ve been waiting a long time to do that!”

Without a reply, with barely a rational thought within his mind, with blood flowing through his body, he bridged the gap between them and locked his lips around hers again. Sure, of course, it went without the very words he could have mentioned, that he desired her, wanted her, appreciated her friendship but above all, he wanted her hand within his. Like a small flame, flickering, starving, begging to be fed, to be caressed with life, he could feel his emotions flare with such force that he was glad that there was a table between them.

For too long, for an age amongst men, he’d wanted to be with her, to hold her hand and to ask her to never let go. He’d been falling, he’d been failing, his resolve dripping away bit by bit yet ever wishing to flow over her like an ocean of moments. He wasn’t the kind of man to express such things, to endure his mind onto another’s soul, but it was within him, like that flame, burning. ‘A man should be a man,’ he’d say to himself ever so often, ‘but a man should also never pretend to ever be more than the emotion he wishes to share with another.’

His hand finally moved to the side of her face as his fingertips touched her soft warm skin. He moved away, moved his hand to hers and as the room filled with the very reason why they’d come to be, he held her hand and finally said what he should have said weeks before, “Don’t let go!” They both moved from the table and ran towards the exit. They knew that they might not make it, they knew that the chance of success would be slim but, like two hearts beating, the rhythm would drive them forward or they’d fail trying. 

Wednesday, 9 April 2014

Something New

The waves crash, they move with force, they explode across the shore, threatening, terrifying, majestic yet very, very, serene. I look down at the rocks surrounding the small pools of freshly formed sea water, searching, viewing, noticing the very life thrown from such amazing wonders of Mother Earth. I’m here, they’re there, you’re somewhere and of course, my mind, this very wondering and wandering mind is, as usual, up in the air. I place a knee onto the soft sand, between a few rocks and focus onto a small animal, struggling, threatened by the mere thought of being upside-down. With a small smile and the help of a gentle flip the creature runs free.

I sometimes struggle, I sometimes falter, I often realise and perhaps alter. I’m not perfect. The world, the wonders, the very air we breathe… now, above all, that’s special. I close my eyes, I pause, I inhale the fresh sea air and then, as my soft eyes open to envelope the forward view, I exhale with gentle force feeling the used energy escape my lungs. Energy, the very force of life and the building blocks of what we are. From the side the sun starts to rise with fluid motion. The warm glow grazes my face and I smile, not a big smile, but a knowing smile.

Today is a new day, today will be a bright day, today above all days, a days of many days, will be just what it is no matter what you, I, them, they or whom does what. I’m free, I’ve escaped, there are no shackles around my wrists and, most certainly, no method or rhyme to make this smile escape from my lips.  You see, I know, I realise something… . I’m no longer alone, I’m no longer a solitary motivation, I’m neither a momentary thought and neither even a second glance. I’m saved. I’m sanctioned. I’m whom I strived to be for those many, many years.

The waves crash, they move with force, they explode across the shore, soothing, pacifying, glorious yet very, very, masterful. I look down at the sunlit rocks surrounding the small pool of warming sea water, finding, seeing, realising the very life shown by Mother Earth. I’m here, they’re somewhere else, you’re here in my heart and you know, today… today is an amazing day as, from this morning I realised something… You’re in my life and that one simple little fact… Will make MY day that much better.

Thank you for being who you are