There are moments, solitary small nuggets, recursive seconds
of illiterate thoughts of how my life used to be. Solitary, confined, sometimes
refined to certain subjects and words of denial. You see, please understand,
try to comprehend, that I used to be an emotional being.
Some would say that it’s a gift, a special happening, a deal
struck with angels, to be such a person but, to me, it was like being trapped
within a prison of self-made hell. I'm not alone, despite what I used to think,
considering how I felt, that I'm not actually the only person within this world
that could possibly, ever, realise how I was feeling or thought. I could be
sarcastic, even ridicule myself for the fashion with which I used to lead my
daily life but, on second thoughts, with a few seconds of that thought, I’d
rather show myself compassion and warmth.
You see, as an emotional being, you’re trapped within your
own mind, with withering temporal thoughts, stuck in a recursive frame of mind.
‘I can’t’, ‘It won’t work’, ‘No-one understands’, ‘Why can’t…’ become the words
you use every single solitary day. You reach but fail to grasp, you hide but
scream for help, you breath but feel like you’re about to die and struggle to
lift your head.
I can recall many times where I destroyed the very thing I
reached for, longed for, reacted to and desired. You see, to me, maybe to you,
holding someone within my very arms was supposed to cure my affliction, resolve
my wretched mind, calm the heart that juggled my life and day. It didn't, it
wouldn't and it never could.
Once more, again keep up, I realised that no solitary single
figure within this world and the next, not one, could ever pacify my longing,
my emotional graving, the desire and need. No amount of flesh or passion, no
number of kisses or caresses, the whispers of another while darkness surrounded
the both of us, could ever, never, hold the emotional mountain that existed
inside.
So, after all of the blathering, when the words have been
written, the expressions passed from I to you, what’s the answer? Well, in all
honesty, we all have different answers but like so many moments in life… YOU
and you alone hold the answer to your happiness. I realised that my heart could
never be held by another. My warmth couldn't possibly be caressed from someone
else, as it had to come from within my very own being. You and you only have
the heart, the health, the energy and aura to calm your own heart.
I finally understood that sharing emotional turmoil with
another, asking them to somehow help, was not the answer and eventually destroyed relationships. How can someone who’s free help with your own inner emotional
stability? We repeat, repeat, repeat and repeat with the same results. Hold
your own heart, calm your own voice and tell the voices to retreat. You can.
You will. You must. Emotions do not control you as YOU control your emotions.
It might be easy to say, take a few moments to write, but
emotional freedom is wondrous, a magical empathic journey where your mind and
heart no longer torture your soul. The quiet within, the understanding for the
world outside, is a gift that must be earned or at least understood.
Explore, digest, disregard, understand and enjoy emotion.
Once you have your feelings under control the world becomes a better place and,
under the right circumstances, you can let your emotions fly and everyone
around you will smile.
