Sitting here, realising what I've done, remorseful,
brandishing my shame like a type of child’s blanket, I look around the room.
Comforting, warm, with the ever growing feeling that, one day, I’ll have to let
go and face the life in front of me. I'm not scared, hardly a coward, but
moments like this are few and far between so I'm at a loss as to how I'm
supposed to proceed.
Logically, methodically, the answer stares me in the eyes. Right there, just in front of my face, resilient, barking the truth at the top of a voice but, as usual, it’s not just about logical fact. There’s always feelings. Feelings that pick, damage, devalue and berate a person. Usually I don’t like to mix the two as they can confuse. One says yes while the other, often, states no. They say that you’re supposed to go with your gut but, when you’re honest, if ever, you know that ‘that’ view usually leads to trouble.
We’re all born beautiful, kicking or screaming, a near blank
slate, but fate and fact have led to this very second. I'm not perfect, never
will be, which is a design of life and society, but I can at least try. From
across the room I can feel the heat, from the roaring fire, flow across my face
and hands. It’s a special heat, not fabricated like many modern houses, despite
the fact that it could destroy all I see, it still holds a place in my heart
from when I was a young boy. That’s the type of heat that I want, that I need,
from the people in my life. Real warmth, a real feeling, despite many of us
being surrounded by fabricated and veiled lives.
We sit at home, alone or with others, yet feel the deepest
loneliness that can hardly ever be shared. There’s moments, those seconds,
while alone, where it manages to escape into the void of your life. You feel
it, within those seconds, then quickly console yourself, maybe even brandish
harsh words against your view, before conducting your composure to reach a
valid smile that could fool but the most vicious truth seeker.
I'm stuck, here, right now, right in front of you. I find
you exhilarating, I need you to be exciting, spontaneous, to take that fire
from this room and to instil the feeling within my soul. I'm flickering, I'm
but an ember of whom I used to be, but I'm never, ever, going to exclaim this
to anyone but myself.
I'm not allowed, not permitted to do such a thing. We’d all
like to reach out, at certain times, in order to seek help, but surrounded by
souls working away at their own square of life, it’s selfish to expect a knight
to move for a rook. Forgive me, I've slipped into a game of sorts while
knowing, obviously, that life is not a game.
Maybe it is, maybe it’s just the way of things. I'm going to
let go of the blanket, I'm pushing away the supports I've built around myself
and, right this second, I'm going to step forward and do what I need to do.
Time is precious and, more than anything, it must be lived. I'm stepping
forward, to tell you, that you’re amazing. You’re who I would like to give me
warmth. But that, when I reach the end of the words, is up to you and every
other person we meet today.