Foolish Game

At first glance, when I try to redeem myself, I know that it may look quite bad but I never intended it to happen this way. I know that I'm already in love, entrusted to another, but these things just happen out of the blue. A stray look here, a glance there, the imagination wonders and it starts from nothing.

I'm faithful, always have been, always will be, but that little spark remains. We met one day, while out on a walk, her flowing hair and frame running clearly into view. I wouldn't say that it was love, lust, or other at first sight but, as is usually the case, there was something about her that immediately fascinated me.

That momentary second where your mind plays that game with you, life flashes in front of your eyes and before you know it you've rushed past the wild exotic love making, to calmly walking along the beach together, waltzing after a ball or Frisbee. Heck, in all honesty, we’d share food, drink crazily together and basically let life flow past at the speed of a whistle.

Her scent, natural, curled my senses, her walk, even that little growl she gave when I pushed my luck just that little bit. The mannerisms, her playful nature, it all seemed to entice and intrude into my daily life.

But, as I said, I have a duty.  I find that I sometimes walk into the garden to look across the street, to see if she’d appear into view.  She didn't. She never did. Only when we walked. Anyway, I'm not too sure why I'm telling you this as you wouldn't be able to help. I'm a Great Dane, a great big Grey mammoth of an animal and she, the lady in question, is a Corgi of heritage.

:)

You never know… Dogs might have the same thoughts as us!

What Do I Want?

I've been set an impossible task, a high wall to climb, an imaginary task filled with wonder and delicious delight. Come closer, bring forward your ear, as we’re about to discuss what I really, really… really want. With music blaring in the background setting the mood of things to come, I feel my heart start to pound with the possibilities and pondering purpose.  Here we go and along I come with all desires laid to rest.

I’d like to arrive at Monte Carlo drinking a fine wine that I actually like, respect and savour. The Port De Monaco, being a favoured destination, would be one of splendour and excitement. Wearing a fine suit, I’d feel that bit distinctive than my normal life, leaving behind a moderate Sunseeker Manhattan 48 boat. I’d have no idea of where to venture but simply walking through the lavish location would be enough to bring forward a smile.

Maybe I’d step into a designer 911 GT3 RS, wrapping my hands around the leather steering wheel, as the 4 litre engine purrs into life with a small growl that awakens the surrounding eyes that are already looking. With a small blip, a little taste, it moves forward asking to be driven to an inch of its 193mph top speed. I'm not stupid, admittedly a little scared and aware, that I might not be able to tame such a beast but if life isn't for trying then why try at all. There’s no leash around this neck, I've been set free, to explore, to taste, so if that’s the case, pour it straight and never stop. Leave nothing for chance. The paddle flips and off we go.

The trees fly past at the speed of which I've never experienced, life filled countryside, brave, alive, still prospering in all of the worldly chaos.  As much as I like excitement I still want to know that the world is being taken care of. As the world slides I notice long legs sitting to my side. They seem to travel for miles until they’re met by that wine red Herve Leger dress. You know the one. All legs. All waist. The slight hint of cleavage and a tempting knowing smile. Yeah, this is boys stuff right here. We’re on our way to who knows where and she’s along for every second of the ride. That’s what I want. Bring the excitement.

That’s just a taste of what’s inside this mind of mine. There’s a world within my world, contained, constrained, bubbling just beneath the surface waiting to escape even if it’s for the smallest of moments. Make it happen. Bring things to life.

Now, as we draw to the end, I'm asked another question of what I ‘need’. What do I need? Water, food, warmth, shelter and of course, company. When things are put into perspective I'm glad, thoroughly glad, that I have what I need and that’s good enough for me.

The rest of the world can wait.

Home is My Heart

Home is My Heart

The key turns and I close my eyes, listening, taking in the fact that I’ll never, ever, open the door again to what once was and might have been. They say, they really do, that ‘home is where your heart is’ but, after my day of days, I’m thinking that my home, my real home, is the very heart that I take with me.

Like that essential item, that toothbrush, those favourite shoes, maybe even that lip balm, it has to be with you or you always feel like something’s missing. Maybe something will always be missing and that fact, that very little snippet of information, is why I keep moving. Moving forward, ever onwards, maybe even possibly a positive progression. Who knows? I don’t. I don’t know… I only feel as the last moments of a locking key escape into the world.

With a turning back, with a glance away from the door, feet move and the path ahead is walked upon. I’m not scared, I’m not escaping, I’m on another adventure and maybe, just maybe, I’ll find another key and explore another map.

My home is wherever I smile. If you smile back… I might even stay for a while. After all… Bricks and stone may break my soul but my body will always protect my heart.

Make my home your heart.

Flames

The mirror, the ever expressive point blank preview of your own reflection, the reverse of what you present to the world, the portal into your very own little play book and script. With closed eyes we exhale, together, looking into the same mirror, trying to form or to feel a connection that’s been eluding our emotions for many a night. We’re, literally, figuratively, setting ourselves in fire with the eyes that we see each and every single day.

Eyes open, wide, as wide as they can see, mimicking eyes caught in the headlights taking in the very few seconds before the inevitable may, or may not, play from the scrapbook of life. We wish for another page, another story, the play to never end while stumbling to write. You look at yourself, not that deeply, not with any hunger, but with self-doubt and murmurs of unknown words.

The world within the mirror seethes, looks back at you with disdain, with discomfort, while your soul screams from within, wishing, wanting and bleating to be heard. Your image looks at your skin, your lips, as the mirror burns with flames of agony. What’s right, what isn't wrong, all the thoughts that spew forward from lips that should never be yours.

For a second you look down, wishing that you, instead, were somewhere else even if it were walking on fire. Burn your feet, scold your legs, but don’t, whatever you do, tarnish your face. A quick glance, a momentary shy flicker, with flames burning from the mirror, you return to where you once were. You recall what it was like to be a child, free of the burdens of life, safe, protected. For many that wasn't the case but, still, as are we all, our mirror self was seldom the strongest thought within a mind.

You lift your head, a bit higher than usual, gaining strength, fighting the demons and burning words and even manage a wry smile. The flames subside, they falter and flail, then die like a star in the sky. Substance, inner-glow, you know that that is worth more than another’s false words or thoughts. We are all born equally, more or less, yet selfishly defined by our outer skin. Let it go… embrace, breath life, caress hearts and forgo the banishment of self-doubt. We’re all beautiful despite what we've been told, despite how we've been brainwashed, regardless of freckles, colours, blemishes or lines.

A new flame appears surrounding the mirror, a flame of strength, purpose, made from your own inner love. You smile, the biggest smile you may ever have smiled as you believe that you’re amazing, that you’re not defined by the way you look and, as you walk away, you leave behind your reflection with its own inner misery.

Emotional Freedom

There are moments, solitary small nuggets, recursive seconds of illiterate thoughts of how my life used to be. Solitary, confined, sometimes refined to certain subjects and words of denial. You see, please understand, try to comprehend, that I used to be an emotional being.

Some would say that it’s a gift, a special happening, a deal struck with angels, to be such a person but, to me, it was like being trapped within a prison of self-made hell. I'm not alone, despite what I used to think, considering how I felt, that I'm not actually the only person within this world that could possibly, ever, realise how I was feeling or thought. I could be sarcastic, even ridicule myself for the fashion with which I used to lead my daily life but, on second thoughts, with a few seconds of that thought, I’d rather show myself compassion and warmth.

You see, as an emotional being, you’re trapped within your own mind, with withering temporal thoughts, stuck in a recursive frame of mind. ‘I can’t’, ‘It won’t work’, ‘No-one understands’, ‘Why can’t…’ become the words you use every single solitary day. You reach but fail to grasp, you hide but scream for help, you breath but feel like you’re about to die and struggle to lift your head.

I can recall many times where I destroyed the very thing I reached for, longed for, reacted to and desired. You see, to me, maybe to you, holding someone within my very arms was supposed to cure my affliction, resolve my wretched mind, calm the heart that juggled my life and day. It didn't, it wouldn't and it never could.

Once more, again keep up, I realised that no solitary single figure within this world and the next, not one, could ever pacify my longing, my emotional graving, the desire and need. No amount of flesh or passion, no number of kisses or caresses, the whispers of another while darkness surrounded the both of us, could ever, never, hold the emotional mountain that existed inside.

So, after all of the blathering, when the words have been written, the expressions passed from I to you, what’s the answer? Well, in all honesty, we all have different answers but like so many moments in life… YOU and you alone hold the answer to your happiness. I realised that my heart could never be held by another. My warmth couldn't possibly be caressed from someone else, as it had to come from within my very own being. You and you only have the heart, the health, the energy and aura to calm your own heart.

I finally understood that sharing emotional turmoil with another, asking them to somehow help, was not the answer and eventually destroyed relationships. How can someone who’s free help with your own inner emotional stability? We repeat, repeat, repeat and repeat with the same results. Hold your own heart, calm your own voice and tell the voices to retreat. You can. You will. You must. Emotions do not control you as YOU control your emotions.

It might be easy to say, take a few moments to write, but emotional freedom is wondrous, a magical empathic journey where your mind and heart no longer torture your soul. The quiet within, the understanding for the world outside, is a gift that must be earned or at least understood.

Explore, digest, disregard, understand and enjoy emotion. Once you have your feelings under control the world becomes a better place and, under the right circumstances, you can let your emotions fly and everyone around you will smile.

Today...

Today, on this singular solitary motionless day, I died. I exhaled my last living loving breath.  You see, you've heard, you've even known, that today might be your last ever day on this wonderful world but do you, we, or I,  even consider that today might be the day?  Sure, of course, it’s obviously something that we seldom think about but, today, I had no choice.

On this last day I imagined all of the things that I’d wanted to do and, as I knew what was about to happen, I realised the wonders of the world. What if this were you, tomorrow, a day next week, what would you do and think before the event? Would you envision a wondrous rapture of woeful wishes?

Maybe you’d plan a trip to that special place that you've put off forever or, maybe, you’d speak the unspoken words that have rested within your tongue for an age. Would you run through fields like a crazy person, would you relax in a bubble bath of splendour and bliss or, even, be extra naughty and run wild throughout the day?

If I had a chance, if I’d have been given a choice, I’d have visited the last remaining countries in Europe. I’d have kissed everyone goodbye, in person, then smiled and laughed recalling the events of the long gone world. I might have borrowed a car for a quick test drive or laughed in the face of a politician.  I’d have written more, far more, expressed all that I needed to vanquish, required my mind to state, but that offering has now vanished like the air that we seldom see.

Don’t be afraid, release less than a tear, today is the day that I died and maybe I’ll live forever more. Think about it, realise the premise, understand what I'm trying to say and act. We believe ourselves to be immortal despite the evidence in our own skin. We understand the frailty of life yet fail, utterly fail, to what we wish to do. Are we afraid? Are we trapped? Maybe it’s a mixture of both. Money makes the world go round yet keeps us shackled to chains of life and little substance. How much is enough? What happiness shall it bring?

Today, this singular solitary motion filled day, I lived and did that extra little bit. Do more. Be more. Set your goal and go for it. Today might be your last day and after that… there’s nothing more to say.

In the last week 11,434 passed away in the U.K.  I know that it’s easy to say but we really do need to make our dreams come to life!

Footnote:

It’s been mentioned that I’m feeling depressed for writing these blog posts. Not at all. I’m actually quite happy but, like writing a sad song or expressing a thought, that moment or writing is that moment and not an expression of my actual, living, daily emotional and physical state.

Part of the Universe

Looking to the sky, the wilderness beyond our imagination, I envision a place of pure fantasy where we no longer fall down.  The holding of hands, the flowing clouds of wonder, it’s all there right above our minds. I could think all day, or while I sleep amongst those same said clouds, but when I’ve finished what I’m trying to say we’re but a speck of dust within the wonders of the universe.

Which way should I now look, left, maybe right, or back into the wonder of miracles? We think we’re special, we think that we’re above the imaginative creation of life but in all honesty we’re but specks of dust in the thoughts of our children. From another cloud I imagine that we’re all connected, together, in a puzzle of pure simplicity that may never be completed by human kind. Life can be simple, existence can be wondrous, yet each generation is committed to complete the same sins of their parents. Around and around, again and again, we all break then heal, we all make the same mistakes yet manage to smile and more.

What should I say, how can I remain standing, in the awe of what’s around each and every single one of us. We’re tainted by the lathering of monetary values, the need to have more and more while, at the same time, gasping to enjoy the simplest requirements that life can offer. We admire sunshine yet remain indoors. We flirt with destiny yet fear the first step. We hold our hands out to be loved yet push away the very people that could do just that. We’re waiting for perfection, the amazing painting that we’ve dreamed of since our first realisation of being together with another, while never realising that nothing, on this world, will ever be perfect.

Wait a moment, did I just write that, did I just mention that nothing on this world is perfect? I’m sorry, I apologise, I recant my expression, I erase the words with my lips and fall to one knee. The universe is perfect, this world is perfect, each kiss is perfect, each moment of holding a hand is above compare and, now that I think about it, each and every single one of us is a perfect painting of endless descriptive nature.

Looking back to the sky, the clear view within our eyes, I witness a mountain of amazing clarity. We are all connected, be it via blood,  moments, kisses or just that smile we’ve passed to another while walking through todays life. It is, unfortunately, a shame that we kill, we destroy, we damage and fail one another. We’re living in a perfect world, the endless universe of possibilities and, if we’d just spend a moment to turn off the devices that claim our lives, we’d realise that no matter what we think… we’re all, exactly, unusually, wondrously… the same. We’re human. We’re pure energy. We’re star elements. We’re amazing and, right now, alive.

Be magical. Be more.