You...

Behind those eyes of yours, I can see that you’re a warrior, a stoic hero of life, strong, resilient, conquering, despite the many pieces of yourself strewn across the floor, from previous inflicted damage. You’re brutal, you’re soft, with cracks pieced together with the super glue of promise and hope, admonishing yourself with clear impudence, while caressing your wounds as you pour from a newly formed break.

No matter where or when I am, in this world of ours, I can close my eyes, hearing my own heart beating as I imagine words whispered from your lips. It doesn't matter what you say, as instead, it’s how you say them that works the way they do. I'm entranced, taken within your spell, all knowing and feeling when you’re within my orbit.

I know your life, I've felt it, known it on the many nights of abandonment and feeling. You've been hurt, you've been cured, broken again and again but no matter the situation or crime, you've always, always, surfaced for air. No matter the scar, no matter the depth of the many cuts, you’re one of the few that can still smile and throw it all aside. It might take an army of insults, a magnitude of selfish acts, before you raise a stern eyebrow. I know you can exhale your pain, throwing the tears into the world, but that’s your safety margin and sacrifice.

I've seen you, know all about the moments, where you've found a corner of the room to hide. You've curled yourself, together, legs by your chin, your arms holding you together, as the pain broke through those current scars of yours, reaching for solace. No matter how you hide, no matter where you go, I know that you’re a fighter and survivor. In that place of yours, those moments, you feel with all your heart, exclaiming your disappointment with the world, realising, wondering and rationalising the many sides and victims of the situation.

That’s why I'm here, that’s why I care, that’s why I want you more than anyone in this world. You can see. You can exist despite it all, the injustice, the idiocy of life. Rising like that phoenix, which we've all be told about, you eventually appear, a survival re-birth, re-born anew. Mascara strewn across your face, mild lipstick ever so unkempt, all dried within the layer of tears. Eyes meet, hands join, lips cross together and the world is born again.

If there were only ever going to be one more day, after this very second, I know where I would be and reside. There wouldn't be a fantasy, there wouldn't be any games, it would just be you, me, somewhere warm and no words would be required. We’d speak, oh we would speak, in many, many ways.

Behind those eyes of yours, I can see that you’re a survivor, a brave follower of life, tender, giving, a little brash, despite being able to withstand anything life seems to throw at you. You’re a maverick, you’re outrageous, with skin as resilient as the hardest metal, hardly ever letting anything crack your resolve, dispendious to a fault, clearly astonishing and a woman that hardly ever knows any bounds in this world.

You are you and that’s why I love you. Always.

Number

Behind every database, in the world, there sits a number. It doesn't matter if you’re tall, petite, on the lovable side or slender bracket, you’re still a number. Your address is there, your phone number, maybe even a picture of your face depending on the platform but, as mentioned you’re a number and will only ever be that number.

All small businesses start off with healthy appetites, eager, maybe even brash, but ever hopeful of one day becoming the next big name. Maybe I'm being a bit too presumptuous, stating and using the word ‘all’, as some people actually like staying in their own corner of their world, with no reason or reliance on expanding. You might be one of those people if you own a business. Let’s place those healthy people aside for a moment and concentrate on the others.

You’re a business, starting out, already envisioning the future of wealth and prosperity. The future arrives, you've made it bigger and then one of two things might just happen. A bigger company comes along and snatches you up, amalgamates you into their fold, which often means that you’re destroyed or lost along the way. You’re a cog in a very, very, VERY big machine. You might scream, shout at the top of your lungs but, as expected, you’re drowned by the very nature of big business.

The other avenue is the most desired, the big time, the big name that everyone comes to know, speak of and visit. Sales are amazing, spectacular, plus expansion is going well. You hit a few speed bumps along the way, hire a few lawyers and follow the standard practise of things, ensuring that you, as well as your customers, are covered. 

You want to stay personal, special, treating each and every single person as they should be treated but, as I’m sure you’re aware, that’s not the way it goes. For the most part, within your day to day lives, buying from companies is an easy affair.  Within seconds your money flies through the wires and your product quickly arrives. Or, alternatively, you obviously collect your item from a store. Either way the result is that you’re happy (not that any product can truly make a person happy). 

eBay, one of the world’s most famous brands, recently developed a Concierge program which, in a vain effort to make people feel special, offered a cloud and mirror service to their ‘valued’ customers. To me, reading the literature, it seemed to afford the customer what they already had. Marketing, on the other hand, were obviously trying to make me ‘feel’ valued. I didn't. While the service was supposedly offered to me, due to being apparently special, it was also offered to my work account that had 84 feedback. All of the marketing bluster, the special warm words, fell apart into a void that made me smile.

Amazon, another one of the world brands, recently allowed Scan.co.uk to refund 85% of a return price which meant a loss, for me, of £293. Although I provided adequate proof of faults, links, explanations, I had absolutely no control of the situation at all. Customer services, albeit eager to help, all replied with the same comments be they on Facebook, twitter or via their portal.

Disillusioned, angered, annoyed? Not really. I played the game of the person angered by the process, calmly explaining the issues but, as you’re aware, it all fell on deaf ears. After exclaiming the situation, providing information, Amazon and Scan both fell silent due to the logic of details provided. 

Now that I've ranted, back to the blog. I'm a number. I'm not an actual person and, being honest, I can see how and why these situations exist. For every genuine, sincere, honest person returning an item, there will and always will be 10 other people who simply do not care and mistreat systems. But why shouldn't they? They are, after all, again, just a number on a database. In an ideal world, to which I expressed my dissatisfaction, someone, somewhere, within a company, should ‘own’ your issue. They tackle that issue from the very start to the very end. Even a rational counter argument would be sensible but, that’s not really possible, once you’re a number on a list that serves to provide a profit figure and more products to advertise.

Large businesses are not personal, they never can be, with their only solitary goal being to please shareholders and their bottom line. It’s soulless, it’s brutal consumption on an enormous level and, again with this honest thing, I'm also part of the problem. Big companies can own you, literally own part of your life. From the television you watch, the products that are pushed towards you, to trying to root themselves into your life to a point where you’re stuck.

In Amazon’s case, I have my book published on their platform, I buy all of my music from there due to Apple offering m4a instead of mp3 (Yes I know iTunes can convert), I'm a Prime member (cancelled) and, if they sold fruit, I’d probably buy that as well.

When all is written and read, when I sit down to think about these things, especially after being annoyed by the processes forced onto us (Right or wrong), I still cannot escape the fact that you, I, we, everyone, even to the medical, police and government, we’re still and always will be… just a number.

I Need To Go...

I need to go now. I wish that I was staying longer, if only for a few more moments, but life is calling me. I know that there’s a time, an imposed limit, thrown through the void into my life, but that’s okay and mostly accepted. This is where I am, who I’ll become, where I'm heading. If only, I bleed a wish, remembering that the universe cannot dare spare me more time.

I can hear voices, the many moments of time, echoing through my mind. The things I’ve done, the things that I should have done, the places I’d have liked to have visited but, instead, waited for a future moment and time. We all know that it waits for no-one, the life we lead, but there’s always tomorrow. Maybe.

I need to go now. There are lows to life, the wows that arrive from many facets, many avenues, along with the many smiles and moments of laugher. Sometimes, it really does feel, as if the moments all seem to be one. I’d beg for a year of laughter, a year of love, a year of kisses and a year of dreams. I’d gladly throw away the tears, although they’ve made me who I am, in order to just allow room for more adventures.

Life’s real, it doesn’t care for paper planes flying through the air, it doesn’t smile at a child’s laughter, as it’s been there, seen it all, broken down and thrown all the excuses into the darkest depths, then returned for more. It’s realism, it’s realistic, it’s brutal and, most of all, it’s the life we lead.

I need to go now. Looking to the sky, blinking as the sun shines into my soul, I know that there’s a time for everything, a place for everyone, even when that place is nowhere, you have to carry forward everything you leave in your mind. Escape, run away, leave, but above all, realise that you’ll still bring it all with you.

If there were easy solutions, I honestly, hand on heart, might not take them if I had a chance to live again. It’s that realism, the moments, the tears cried in those seconds, that have made us who we truly are on this day. The grass, they say, might be greener, but on which side, in what way, as that grass might be resting on forbidden soil. We just don’t know.

I need to go now. I’m away, I’m cutting away, leaving behind a few moments, a measure of pain, while keeping love within my heart. I know that I haven’t said much, explained myself, but that’s for me to know and for no-one to understand. I’m climbing back towards a healing place. I can feel the pressure, inside, hurting my heart and mind and, because of the person I am, I can no longer hold onto that place.

I need to go now, right now, as I have to heal. There’s a better place calling… .