Walking into the room, the heavy door closing slowly behind
me, I cast my eyes quickly across the surroundings and people. I know that I'm
not your favourite person, right now, but I know what I'm here for and, if it’s
something that I'm very good at, it’s apologies. The thing with apologies is
that you only have to do one, simple, easy, little thing and that’s to frankly
mean the words that escape from your mouth. Three simple little words. I’d
chuckle a little, even smile, but I have to remain in the mood, keep the
composure constant, as I wouldn't want to portray anything other than the
solace I'm bringing with me.
I brush my shoulders, just in case, ensuring the spick and
span etiquette be kept along with that mood I’d just mentioned. Reaching the
bar, not too fast, not too slow, walking with defined confidence I make an
order which receives a polite nod from the chap behind the bar. Something
sensible, not too strong, as I can save that type of luxury for later. A type
of credence is required, for the moment, with restraint being kept in control.
Turning, ever so slightly, I'm aware that you’re here.
That’s unavoidable. I can feel you before I even enter a room. Maybe that’s why
we’re so good together. Maybe that’s why it hurts when I know that I've done
something wrong. I'm usually not the type to actually say a bad word, a moment
out of time, or a lax interjection, but I'm human and the pretence of
perfection is a hard thing to maintain. I'm not perfect, I'm far from an ideal
dream filler, but I do try. You know that I try.
Demons entering my mind, as I take a small sip of my chosen
sustenance, I make a move and in that second I can feel my heart start to taint
my thoughts. That little trip, the cacophony of beats reaching into my ears
trying to destroy that ever so controlled composure mentioned before. It will
not have its way. It will not control me. Adrenaline be damned, be it
controlled, or ruin what I'm intending to do and say.
The room suddenly feels very, very small. The view from my
eyes seems to be closing in as I approach. It’s haunting, it’s an
embarrassingly embracing feeling to know that I care so much for a person that
my own body betrays my mind. Breathing, starting to shallow, before I admonish
myself for letting my emotions over ride my thoughts. Again and again, I remind
myself that I'm only here for one reason, for one person, which means that my
own self-preservation can, for now, be pushed to the side.
As control returns I gather myself and look ahead, straight
towards you. Eyes lock, small smiles appear, but I can see that you've been
caused pain. It’s written across those eyes of yours whereas, being honest, I
should only ever write my name across those lips. I've missed you, so damned
much. If I'm not kissing you, then I'm failing with life. It’s a command, it’s
my very reason, to love and hold you. It’s not a difficult task, it’s hardly
moving a mountain, but it’s what I would and should do anyway. I'm supposedly a
man and, to me, that’s what men should do.
My mind wants to race, it even wants to hide, but it’s too
late as I'm here, you’re there in front of me, so now is the moment and this is
where I do what I'm supposed to do. The smile doesn't hide your feelings but it
does betray that you've missed me and, of course, I've missed you. Life simply
isn't the same without you. It’s empty. Expressionless. Void of many reasons. I've
already spoken the most important three words that a person can share with
another, with each other, those ‘I love you’ moments, but now I'm here to
simply say the second most important words,
“I'm very sorry”.
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