Experiment

Day 01:

Today, I decided to do something a little different. I know who I am or, at least, I thought I did. Life has a way of creeping up on you and, when you’re happy, it can kick you in the behind. Life can hurt. Life can be amazing. Life is. That’s as simple as it can be explained. Which path, which direction, which thought, will change a person forever. Are we happy, or are we living a lie? One thing is for sure, we hardly ever fix ourselves. Just when you think that you’re okay, there’s another layer to unravel. To expect perfection from another person, let alone yourself, is idiocy running at extreme levels.

I’m here, in this small little house. It’s basic, one single room, with only the absolute essentials to keep me occupied. I’m not permitted to leave this place, but the view from the large window, oh the view, is something to behold. The world is full of beauty and yet, we often allow our thoughts to create devastation to ourselves and others. Especially, the people we purport to love.

That’s why I’m here. No excuses. No lies. No alterations to escape what needs to be done. It’s just me, my mind, my heart and anything in between that they create.  I might even find my very soul and hopefully, purpose.

Day 05:

So many people state that they’re lonely. You’re not alone, truly alone, until it’s just you and you. Nothing else. No pets, kids, partners, family or any other distraction we use to run away from ourselves. I’m here. I cannot escape. I signed the page, and the waiver is astronomical. I accepted this. I’m not climbing the walls, just yet, but I’m suffering. I’m hurting. My mind. My thoughts. They’re hurtful, degrading, shameful expressions of how I see myself. If you were here, you’d more than likely think the same thoughts. We need to let go of the past moments. Every negative notion, word or expression, is part of the old story. It’s done. You can hardly even prove that the situations of old resided within a point of time. Outside of this room, this sculpted hut, I cannot provide proof that the world exists. The supposed 3D, the sights we envision, the smells that we sense, the touch of fingers upon skin, are they real?

I want to leave, but I know that I should stay. This is an experiment, but I really knew that it wasn’t. Too many excuses. Too many self lies.  Don’t run from yourself, as you’re all that you have. Be kind, be brave, wrap your own arms around your body and tell yourself that it’s okay. It will all be okay.

Day 10:

I’m… confused. My only companion, my singular friend, is the person that lights the fire outside the cabin. I want her to speak to me, but that’s against the rules. I haven’t spoken to a single soul, other than my own, in ten days. Then, just then, maybe that’s not true. Maybe every singular thought, tied to emotive energy, flows from me into the ether and strikes against the soul of another. I cannot prove this. I do not know. Radio waves fly through the skies. Bluetooth. Wireless. The proof is there but, hidden from rational teachings. I want the world to mean more to me. I need something else from the world. Wants, needs, are nothing when compared to desires.

I might be going a little crazy. Maybe we’re all crazy, masquerading ourselves to the puppet master’s tune.  Conform. Wear the clothes we tell you to wear, follow, be the same as everyone else. It’s all there in front of us. I’m shaking my head. I’m not here to resolve society’s issues, as I’m here for me. For once, just me, myself, the I within ‘I am’.

Day 15:

Go deep. Even if you have to witness the darkest parts of yourself. All the dank, desperate, despicable emotions buried within. Hold them. Feel them. Let them escape. When you’re down at that level, as low as you can be, you create new roots from whatever ashes you find. Maybe deep depression is something that we all must suffer within our lives. It’s not nice, it’s not poetic or something to shout about, but it’s there. Hold yourself and cry. Let it breath within you. All the moments of despair, loss, suffering and bile.  Let it out.  How can a person tower into the sky, with brittle roots? Eventually, through false notions, we come crashing down. Again. Create solid roots from your sadness.

I’m both proud and ashamed of my thoughts. We are not all meant to be angels. That’s a fallacy, a falsehood that only blind vagrants could believe. Be as authentic as you can be, as you crawl through your own mud. I’m not going to run, or hide, as that’s impossible. Face the demons, or they will taunt you for the rest of your life. Then, upon the day of your end, they’ll remind you of all your mistakes.

I am the sum of my memories. I am a child of my thoughts. My actions are mine alone.  Create your roots within the dark, to ensure the sunshine never burns you to your end.

Day 20:

I don’t know what day it is. I’ve revised so many moments within my memories. Nothing exists outside of this place I’m locked within. I have my thoughts and finally, they are of peace, love, remembrance and this very moment as I’m writing many words. I don’t know where I’m going, just yet, but I’ve envisioned a new home, with someone. Someone special. A new start. It’s what I’ve always wanted. I know that I ‘have’ to be a King amongst men, for the Queen of my life. It’s an odd set of words to use and yet, we love the words spoken upon the screens we find ourselves engrossed within.

I now know that every single thought, creates my reality. I am, more or less, the only person that can change my life. One singular moment can and will destroy so much work, so much peace, but that’s more than likely from my own fears being projected to the world around me. Before I sleep, I must never think ill or negative thoughts. We do not know the power we hold within, despite watching or reading so many magical stories. We’re grounded, but not in a beautiful way, a stranded fashion of the world’s order.

Day 25:

The final day. I am at peace. Solitude, the soledad of my mind, is essential. No longer will I fill my days with vapid television, adverts or meandering moments. I have suffered, mentally, for the longest of times. I have tasted such loneliness and yet, managed to surface on the other side of the most torrential, fierce, destructive notions created from this conscious mind of mine. It’s okay, it’s meant to be, as I know myself far more than I ever have. I now realise how my own mind works. So simple, yet ever so complex.

I’m free, as much as I can be free, from an experimental twenty-five days of solo life. I spend most of my normal life in the same way. I’m never alone, as I’m here within myself. If I cannot find the answer, I will envision the solution. If I do not know the path, I will create the path. If I walk alone, I will ask for someone’s hand to accompany mine. 

I am, after all, the never ending experiment.