Mistakes

The door opens and I, with a heavy mind, raise my eyes while my head remains prostrated towards the ground. The rain pounds the surrounding area with unrelenting force, with guile, filling my ears making the words to follow all the harder to reach. I've been rehearsing this moment. I've been reflecting my thoughts into the universe, hoping, denying, relying on the unspoken to find its home but, as with many things, sometimes you just have to rise above it all, be brave, then do it yourself.

I start to speak the words that have been burning my soul.

There’s no excuses, there are no other people to blame, no other sources to direct the vast glares of the people involved. It’s just me, my blame, playing stupid games, trying to be a man while falling for the part of the boy. Please understand, please view me with more than a thought, as I'm new to all of this and, in all honesty, a small bit naïve. 

The rain ceases for a second as a brief spark rises within my heart. My eyes, you see, are not used to the sight of your beauty within this world. Yeah, I know, we've all heard the story before. Boy meets girl, girl meets boy, they chat, they laugh, they flirt and then… then… you know the rest. Words are shared, moments are spoken, you resolve your affections by creating connections and, then, you move forward.

That’s what’s supposed to happen, that’s what we believe, this is the natural order of things but, on occasions, we falter and we fail. It’s often difficult to do the right thing. Or so we say. It’s actually incredibly easy to do the right thing but, often, we simply don’t bother.  I want to do the right thing, I truly do, but I fight a battle within myself every single day. Do I let go of being a man, do I let go of being a boy, relinquishing the worldly binds that keep me grounded? Maybe I should just be me, the person that you know, with no pretence, no aspirations to be something that I'm not.

As children we look into the eyes of our parents with such love, such respect, as they’re holding our every design within the palms of their hands and, due to this, we’re eventually left to find our own place in the world. We’re set free or, on the other hand, let go and ignore what we’re offered. Either way we’re here and they’re there. We’re now the adults. There’s no instructions, no guiding hand, nothing more than two people fumbling around like two lovers in a car. We mess up, we don’t initially get things right but, after a short time, we’re running like a steam train at full power.

Anyway, now that I've blathered on for a while, now that I'm soaked to my skin, I basically came here to apologise. I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry. I'm not a boy any more and I should never be a boy until our children call for such things. I'm not going to say that I'm a man. No. I'm not. That honour arrives when I have responsibility within the world and looking after myself can never be called such a thing. I'm… me. I just hope that’s enough. I will be whatever you need me to be when the times comes.

I'm sorry that I said the wrong thing

I'm sorry that I didn't act when the play basically gave me the script.

I'm sorry that it takes me knocking at your door at this time of night, in the rain, just to say…

I love you.

Click To Listen



Note:
(It's felt odd writing this as, while I'm thinking of what to write, I'm also wondering if it'll sound fine when recorded)

Just you... .

If you'd like to listen to this block then please feel free to click the following link:

http://s109679288.websitehome.co.uk/Blog/41JustYou.mp3

The aura, this place, with only your face to compliment the view, is near perfection and the personification of the good things within this world. I know that this life isn't easy, it’s not simply a set of stepping stones, but we can build a path together, to make forever, the place that we envision it to be. Perfect, passionate, probably beyond our time and something that we can work towards.

I've only this life to give, only these words to write, without there being any fright, of fear and loss and those things that seem to fade away. I'm not a painted canvas, I'm not words on a page, I'm real, for you, here, there, everywhere within your mind and, above all, willing to whisper the words into your ear. I care, I love, I need and I must do the right thing. I'm not going to throw this away like it means nothing. This isn't last year’s phone, a tweet from yesterday, a thought from the vast expanse of social network… this is real. 

I can see a waterfall, a wealth of life, the grass of the green colour chart, the smiling lips of yours, the knowing glancing eyes and more. I take it all in within a second’s glance, a momentary viewing of how the script might just play out, the stage being set and ready to move. I'm human, I have wants, I have wishes, I have thoughts but above all, you’re all I need within this world.

Time starts to slow, the water still falls, but my vision excludes anything that isn't you. I'm going to draft forward a silhouette of angels, all wishing and ensuring that we’re bathed in the universal love of life. They’ll sing, they’ll drift in the air, making promises, making love and more.

Today, of all days, I know that you've cried. My soul, wandering as it does, heard your call. It read your lips as your panic exhaled itself from your body and mind. I know that this isn't about me, it’s not about them, but I cannot help but feel that pain, that exhaustion of your heart, the bitter truth that life isn't perfect. I heard you say my name, I heard you call, not via those tweets mentioned above, not by a post, a snap of chat or what app’s famous this week, but via a real connection. 

Within the flash of a falling star, the explosion of a sun, I was there with you sending what you needed. They might only be thoughts but we make those thoughts come alive, we make smiles real, while also making pain a truth. Now, right now, as this time slows, I'm holding that hand of yours, keeping your faith alive, the tears at bay and, above all, rescuing hope. 

The aura, this place, with only your heart to compliment the view, is perfection, joined to every other heart within this world. I know that we do not make life easy, as it can be a set of stepping stones, but we can truly find our path together, to make this moment something special, something worth holding onto. Perfection and possibilities, beyond our understanding, are what we have so let’s make this… 

...happen.

Goodbye.

She blinked, a few times, making it very obvious that she was holding back her emotions. He, however, let it go. All his life he’d been told that he was supposed to be a man, to stand tall, to be honest, reliable, to look for what’s right but this, this moment, it all seemed so very wrong. He could hear his Father’s words ringing in his ears but he denied the pressure, the scolding, so instead he let it go. A singular tear fell onto his cheek and rolled down his face. This, this thing that they had, was supposed to be forever.

As a child he knew that boys were different to girls. Of course, yes, there were the obvious physical differences, but he was talking about how they were meant to act. Girls would be girls and boys would be boys but one day, like today, they all had to mature into something new, something… else. He didn't want to be the bad boy, the boy that kissed the girls and made them cry, but like all his friends, he had, he had made a few cry, so maybe this was where the universe made everything level.

She was leaving. She was leaving tomorrow, on a plane, quite possibly never to return. All of the words, all of the emotions, the motions, the never ending kisses in the mind’s eye and the words spoken within the dark nights, would soon end. This moment, right here, now, was the final goodbye.

He knew that although he was saying goodbye, they’d see each other again, one day, in another way, once a new sun had set. This, however, did not bring comfort as time has seldom been kind to lovers lost. Time. If only he had more time. Another tear, another moment, another trace of life left to dust, this was something that he’d never thought he’d live through.

Your heart beats, it rests, it’s given to another and feels in your chest. He’d split his heart in two, many years previous, but this was a clean break as the other part was given into her hands. She held his heart, caressed it with kisses, with warmth, with the very thought of missing and holding him. The pieces she held, he could see them, with his own imagination, shattering into a thousand shards of sharp, cutting, perilous pain.

For a second he actually put aside his feelings, the tears ceased and, like a person that truly understood what love meant, he asked her if she would be okay.   It mattered not how he felt, when he considered the situation, as love commanded that he consider the other person’s health and fortitude above his own. This was love. This was what it truly meant. To love is to provide a haven, a safe place to rest, to heal, then when the time comes, to wish your love well and let them go… with love. Anything else is selfish, self-serving, a failing, a truly sad place to be.

She knew that she would be okay, she had the support, she had the wealth of life and family behind her. Both standing, both embracing for the final time, he kissed her as if he held the last ember of air remaining in the world, trying to keep her alive for a second more. Fruitless, painful, but the endings never were kind for any soul within this world.

He sat as the door closed. This moment, right here, would strengthen him, would enliven his soul, it would ensure that he withstood the world to follow. He would be brave, he would be strong, he would brush aside the selfish wanderings of the mind and wish only wealth into the world. For everything, absolutely everything, there is a time.  Today, that time, meant goodbye. Tomorrow, the tears would no longer appear and a new world remains.

He would relish the goodbye, he would feed upon the happiness and laugh with the smiles. Goodbye was, after all, a new beginning.

A true story from my youth. Through life, through pain, through realising that love is kind, even when it hurts, you can come to understanding and accept nearly ANY decision made by a person that you love.  In my case she was taken out of the country by her family. Tough times.

Promises

Smiling, with hesitation, Gladys turned to the instructor and nodded a small nod that could have been missed by the people gathered around. Terrified, in one way, while absolutely invigorated with actual life she stepped forward. She’d not felt this way since, well, forever and a day. She looked up, at the wall, telling herself that the distance was not that far but far enough for her to think twice. She scolded herself, again, for the tenth time today. The ride over in the car, walking into the complex and, pretty much, the entire last few hours had been filled with doubt.

Closing her eyes, feeling her breath, she remembered his face, that sweet face that she’d never forget even if she’d not seen him for many a year. She still missed him, the one, that single man that turned her head and kept her heart jumping to the moon and back. She smiled, just a small little smile, opened her eyes and stepped forward while whispering to Simon, her instructor, that she was ready.

Looking across she could see family, friends, gathering people and the press. To think that her little stunt had gathered so much attention was an understatement but she didn't care about that as she’d made a promise. That promise, she reminded herself, had been outstanding for near 12 years.  She felt the harness tighten slightly as the slack vanished. “Take it slow and if you need to stop then just let me know!” said Simon with kindness in his voice.

Lifting her left leg, placing her foot onto a hold, she reached up and grasped the green aboriginal. How or why she knew the names of such things escaped her but, just maybe, she’d actually taken in a few words from the instructional videos detailing how to climb up an indoor wall. All those years ago she’d laughed at the thought of traversing such a thing but, on her wedding day, that day of days, she’d made that promise to love, to hold, to remain faithful and, funnily enough, just once, to make it to the top of a climbing wall.

Of all the people in the world, in any country of the land, she never thought that she’d meet someone like him. He was kind, confident, relaxed, understanding and, above all, nothing like the bun wearing hipsters that seemed to wear skinny jeans these days. She’d seen a few in the crowd behind her but, as the thoughts marched into her mind, she threw them away as she had a promise to complete. With one last look around her, she noticed her grandson, standing looking proud at his Grandmother. He waved his hand while still holding onto his Teenage Militant Ninja Dolphin, or whatever it was called, which made her resolve strengthen.

She grasped the hold tighter and lifted herself from the ground placing her weight onto her foot. Bringing herself vertically level to the wall she placed her other foot onto the hold and smiled. Cheers escaped from the people behind her. Lifting a leg, it quickly found the next hold and, looking up, she reached for the next aboriginal. Sure, of course they’d made it very easy for her but what did she expect from her 74-year-old body. She, herself, expected to make it to the top no matter what happened.

Fear crept into her resolve and she felt that rising danger and her mind asked her to stop. Her leg moved, with a slight shake, but it found the next hold. The promise surfaced within her mind, reminding her, pushing her, ensuring that she carried on. Her hand moved, her legs moved and within seconds she’d moved up a few more sections. After this she was definitely going to treat herself to a small steak, possibly with some wine. A little wry smile appeared at the thought of wine, “Yes, wine would be a good thing!” she told herself.

Looking up she could see four more aboriginal holds to go. Legs moved and then there were two remaining. Once near the top she only had to touch the remaining sloper and it would all be over. So far, with all the commotion, it had all seemed to be a bit tiring but it would be worth it. Her mind flashed various images and, as she reached the final aboriginal, she knew that all she had to do was reach for the sloper. Her mind started to escape into the past, to him, to her late husband that had made her the happiest she’d ever been. Reaching up, inches left, she muttered the words, “This is for you!” Touching the sloper she closed her eyes and felt his warm kiss across her lips as she repeated the words, “This is for you. I made you a promise and I keep my promises!  I miss you dearly and still love you”.

She looked behind her, nodded and felt the rope remove all slack and she let go of the wall. Gently descending the tears escaped along with a great big beaming smile. The gathered people cheered as her feet found solid ground and, at long last, she’d completed the vows she’d made all those years previous.

Foolish Game

At first glance, when I try to redeem myself, I know that it may look quite bad but I never intended it to happen this way. I know that I'm already in love, entrusted to another, but these things just happen out of the blue. A stray look here, a glance there, the imagination wonders and it starts from nothing.

I'm faithful, always have been, always will be, but that little spark remains. We met one day, while out on a walk, her flowing hair and frame running clearly into view. I wouldn't say that it was love, lust, or other at first sight but, as is usually the case, there was something about her that immediately fascinated me.

That momentary second where your mind plays that game with you, life flashes in front of your eyes and before you know it you've rushed past the wild exotic love making, to calmly walking along the beach together, waltzing after a ball or Frisbee. Heck, in all honesty, we’d share food, drink crazily together and basically let life flow past at the speed of a whistle.

Her scent, natural, curled my senses, her walk, even that little growl she gave when I pushed my luck just that little bit. The mannerisms, her playful nature, it all seemed to entice and intrude into my daily life.

But, as I said, I have a duty.  I find that I sometimes walk into the garden to look across the street, to see if she’d appear into view.  She didn't. She never did. Only when we walked. Anyway, I'm not too sure why I'm telling you this as you wouldn't be able to help. I'm a Great Dane, a great big Grey mammoth of an animal and she, the lady in question, is a Corgi of heritage.

:)

You never know… Dogs might have the same thoughts as us!

What Do I Want?

I've been set an impossible task, a high wall to climb, an imaginary task filled with wonder and delicious delight. Come closer, bring forward your ear, as we’re about to discuss what I really, really… really want. With music blaring in the background setting the mood of things to come, I feel my heart start to pound with the possibilities and pondering purpose.  Here we go and along I come with all desires laid to rest.

I’d like to arrive at Monte Carlo drinking a fine wine that I actually like, respect and savour. The Port De Monaco, being a favoured destination, would be one of splendour and excitement. Wearing a fine suit, I’d feel that bit distinctive than my normal life, leaving behind a moderate Sunseeker Manhattan 48 boat. I’d have no idea of where to venture but simply walking through the lavish location would be enough to bring forward a smile.

Maybe I’d step into a designer 911 GT3 RS, wrapping my hands around the leather steering wheel, as the 4 litre engine purrs into life with a small growl that awakens the surrounding eyes that are already looking. With a small blip, a little taste, it moves forward asking to be driven to an inch of its 193mph top speed. I'm not stupid, admittedly a little scared and aware, that I might not be able to tame such a beast but if life isn't for trying then why try at all. There’s no leash around this neck, I've been set free, to explore, to taste, so if that’s the case, pour it straight and never stop. Leave nothing for chance. The paddle flips and off we go.

The trees fly past at the speed of which I've never experienced, life filled countryside, brave, alive, still prospering in all of the worldly chaos.  As much as I like excitement I still want to know that the world is being taken care of. As the world slides I notice long legs sitting to my side. They seem to travel for miles until they’re met by that wine red Herve Leger dress. You know the one. All legs. All waist. The slight hint of cleavage and a tempting knowing smile. Yeah, this is boys stuff right here. We’re on our way to who knows where and she’s along for every second of the ride. That’s what I want. Bring the excitement.

That’s just a taste of what’s inside this mind of mine. There’s a world within my world, contained, constrained, bubbling just beneath the surface waiting to escape even if it’s for the smallest of moments. Make it happen. Bring things to life.

Now, as we draw to the end, I'm asked another question of what I ‘need’. What do I need? Water, food, warmth, shelter and of course, company. When things are put into perspective I'm glad, thoroughly glad, that I have what I need and that’s good enough for me.

The rest of the world can wait.

Home is My Heart

Home is My Heart

The key turns and I close my eyes, listening, taking in the fact that I’ll never, ever, open the door again to what once was and might have been. They say, they really do, that ‘home is where your heart is’ but, after my day of days, I’m thinking that my home, my real home, is the very heart that I take with me.

Like that essential item, that toothbrush, those favourite shoes, maybe even that lip balm, it has to be with you or you always feel like something’s missing. Maybe something will always be missing and that fact, that very little snippet of information, is why I keep moving. Moving forward, ever onwards, maybe even possibly a positive progression. Who knows? I don’t. I don’t know… I only feel as the last moments of a locking key escape into the world.

With a turning back, with a glance away from the door, feet move and the path ahead is walked upon. I’m not scared, I’m not escaping, I’m on another adventure and maybe, just maybe, I’ll find another key and explore another map.

My home is wherever I smile. If you smile back… I might even stay for a while. After all… Bricks and stone may break my soul but my body will always protect my heart.

Make my home your heart.