Wednesday, 26 July 2017

Rain

The tapping noise, emanating from all around, echoed through the house, through the halls and into the room where Daniel sat. Motionless, calm, sedate even, just listening to the ambience. Moving two of his fingers the pencil tapped, with the rhythm of the rain, on the page. Breathing in through his nose, slowly, then out of his mouth, he could feel his heartbeat slowing, the beats, all merging to the tapping of the rain, the pen and life. Tap, tap and another tap. Calm, almost creating a fever of pure silence, other than the zoned beats, he opened his eyes and decided to move from this exact spot within the house.


Walking along the long hallway, running his fingertips across the wall as he walked, he softened his gaze to again listen to the sounds around him. As his gaze softened he also turned his attention to the wall. Hundreds of small bumps smoothed past his senses as each fingertip glided. This was an old house, a prestigious house, lived in, a warmth emanating through the rooms and wooden rafters. He smiled as he imagined the happy times, the solemn times, the heart breaking moments and, of course, the love most certainly moulded over time.

Reaching the end of the hallway, Daniel glanced at the stairs, then started to climb the steep vertical mass of wood while holding onto the old banister.  Each footstep created its own unique sound, ensuring that no-one could ever sneak around this house. With each squeak he smiled a little more, actually trying to bypass the noise by placing a foot to the side of a few steps. Nothing worked which only added to the poignant ear moving moments.

Reaching the top of the stairs, slightly cramped, he lifted his arms slightly to press against the loft hatch and, with one swift movement, lifted the hatch and placed it to the left of the opening. Vanishing from his view, with a further tap of his hand, he braced himself as, with one leg positioned onto the small window sill next to him, he lifted himself into the loft and wobbled slightly as he lifted the rest of him into the loft. Mission accomplished, now surrounded by wooden beams, he stood, slightly stooped, looking out of the large window a few metres in from of him.

Lying on his back, the large window behind, with pencil and paper to his side, he again closed his eyes and just listened to the calm. To many the sound of rain would hardly convey a sense of calm but, to him, it meant that he could embrace his imagination, connect to his creative side, think of things that only a child would imagine. Earlier he’d day dreamed of flying, dreamed of souring into the heavens, but that was then and this is now.

Once again tapping his pencil onto the loft floor, in sync with the beating rain tapping away all around him, he imagined and caressed his thoughts. This house, like many homes, must have been a home of love. Each day, each weekend, every single year, a couple would sit, together, holding hands while laughing about the silly things they’d done in their youth. This wasn’t a place of conflict, a rhythm of pain, or solace, as the rooms were far too warm for any of that, this was an ideal made real. The paintings, in many of the rooms, displayed a wealth of prosperity. The rooms were painted with calm colours, noting nothing of a confused mind, with a garden meticulously maintained.

The rain kept on pouring over and around the house, never ending, never ceasing to create a rhythm of life. Daniel imagined that the couple, who owned the home, would hold each other in bed, just listening to the calm around them, rain or otherwise, as they shared their time together. It was a beautiful thought, a thought that he’d like to create, right there, right now. Mentally, most certainly physically, with his emotions agreeing, he would buy this house as soon as he possibly could. It didn’t matter that a few of the wires needed replacing, it wouldn’t bother him that the fences needed a lick of paint, as what he was looking for was a certain feeling. The rain spoke to him, in this house, unlike the other houses and, basically, he wanted to move into an emotion instead of bricks and mortar. This was for him, this would be for the both of them, as he had the final choice of the three selected by his partner. This was the one.

He truly, to his very core, knew that emotion played such an important part in life. No matter the rain, the clouds of life, no matter how many stairs they had to climb, as long as it was together they’d reach the finish line and, on that day, that very day, as long as it was raining just like today, with his hand in his partner’s hand, he’d smile until the very last second.


Closing his eyes, one more time before he knew that he had to attend to certain business aspects, he again listened to the rain. With each beat, he heard purpose, he could feel the smile and energy around him and he knew, he damn well knew, that today was going to be a fine day for rain.

Friday, 21 July 2017

Flying

Looking through the window, into the street ahead, noticing the trees move as the dramatic wind tries to enforce its will onto the world. Alone, almost banished to this place, I need to become something new, a little bit more, of a thing designed to withstand this world that we inhabit. I might just need a hero.

As a child I used to dream of flying, taking those initial steps backwards in order to create space, before running as fast as I could until the sky embraced my moving arms. In my dreams, my waking mind, it all seemed so easy. Life would lift you, kiss you when needed, rising your body to a place of tranquillity and escapism. I’d fly, over the rooftops, into the sky, feeling free above everything.

Life, unfortunately, grounds you, holding you there, forcing that will of subservience onto us all. I can feel the lines, not just across my face and under my eyes, as the lines are cracks forming within my resolve, I can feel them within my very soul. I stand stoic, as much as possible, as probable as it can all be, but to rise above all of this takes that small slice of energy.

Looking to the sky, asking for a healer of words, an action that resolves all inner conflict, I realise that the world is the one that is hurting. We’re hurting. We’re existing within a construct designed to keep us busy, defined, contained, restrained and controlled until the very day we pass from this world.

I return to the flying day dream as a smile appears across my lips. Wouldn’t it be amazing, wouldn’t it be fun? To fly, to soar, to escape. We’d probably be taxed on flying at that point. A wry grin appears, a small laugh acknowledging the sudden break and negativity injected into my thoughts. I didn’t think that way as a child, I didn’t know that the world is the way it is.

I don’t want to ignore the world, I don’t want to scream until my lungs ask me to stop, but the more I age the more I realise that we’re living in a twisted, dark, solemn world. Once you realise this prospect you can, thankfully, grasp at the beauty that we’re surrounded by. We have so many things to be thankful for yet, at times, we hardly even know they exist. The dark thin box, in the corner of our room, makes sure that we’re contained.

I said that I need a hero, a healer, a spark of light to infuse my mind as my heart has cut itself from my thinking. I need a hero, a true believer in another system of thinking, living, surviving and being. The fallacy of such a thought is that, in this world, our world, there’s no such thing as a hero. There are no super powers, there is no way for me to truly fly, on my own without technical aid and history knows that heroes, in human form, are often cut down before they could even try to fly.


Looking through the window, into the cold avenue of my own life, I notice that the trees are now static, no longer ruled by the circumstances of the moment. Alone, most certainly realising my situation, I know that I will become something brand new, a lot better, with light shining through my mind. I know that, right now, I need to become my own hero.

Monday, 26 June 2017

Mother Ireland

“Be brave, finish the task, get it done and don’t look back!” is something that, this week, I've had to drill into my own skull. Procrastination shouldn't be a friend of mine, shouldn't even be a Facebook friend or Instagram viewer, but that darn person, that thing, the type of person within you often looks over the parapet of life and sniggers into your ear.

The world’s greatest mystery might be love between two consenting adults, that crazy struggle of hearts, but there’s also the mystery of why it takes us so long to do what we really want to do. I don’t, after all the years, get a kick from nine to five or even eight until late. I value freedom, creativity, the desire deep within smouldering away begging for you to let it loose into the world.

I've done just that, nearly, kind of, as it’s too late to back down now.  I wrote a book once, just over half way through my second when life jumped in the way but, after this next venture, I’ll get right back on that. Promise. Cross my heart. Etc. .

May I present to you all:


Over 8 hours of travelling, more than 2 hours of drone media, recording studio set-up, 2 more hours of recording my own face, editing the audio to remove most of the spikes and background hum and other stuff. 6 hours of editing and I've finally arrived at 23 minutes of video. Yes… that’s all!
This video is about life and what Ireland is to me. It’s simple, it’s about me opening my heart and showing weakness. It is, again, about life and… the end of that life. It’s quite sad, in a way beautiful, so hopefully you’ll take what you will from it.


Overall, there’s a serious message for everyone to understand.





Release date: This week. Check my Youtube channel for updates!





Monday, 19 June 2017

Drone Life

Sweat dripping down my face, breathing heavy, heart beating while trying to escape from my chest, another step is taken as eyes glance forward and up. Only another twenty heavy, unrelenting, savage slate steps to go before the shade can be reached. It’s one of the hottest days of the year, so far, thus deciding to scale the side of a mountain via slate created steps, which always seems like a great idea when presented as an adventure, isn't that wise.



The sweat keeps on coming, as the shade appears and, sitting down, I can feel the sick feeling rise in my stomach, chest and head. I've pushed a bit too hard, willed my body to glance past limits or, another way of thinking about it, is that I'm not as fit as I used to be and it’s showing. Gym here I come. Being able to bench press x or y is no help in this place, surrounded by near silence, with a view to die for. Maybe literally.

Breathing in through my nose, then out slowly through my mouth, I find a stable place and a smile rises onto my lips. The only time I've ever been ill was around the age of 16, forcing myself to scale that hill located in Cwm, without stopping once. I did it but fell to my knees and the rest is history. It’s good to push limits, it’s an exhalation of who you could be, should be, if you’d will your mind to push past its own safety limits.

Onwards, ever upwards, into the cave ahead and beyond. The cool air hits me, thankfully, but there’s no respite for my already weary legs. It’s Lucozade time. Believe it or not, being a mildly placid person that I am, Lucozade is usually ignored, as the stuff makes me angry. Blood flowing angry. It’s what I need as that anger can be turned into something needed to drive my legs.

The second wind appears as the sun literally beams down onto my frame. I need to buy a hat and, seeing as this was the first outing for my walking shoes, a hat could be a prudent decision and frankly quite wise. My eyes start to sting as the salty sweat finds its way into everything.

The top. It’s here. It’s grandeur impresses, even if it’s tried to kill me, I still move forward. There is an easy track, a very easy track, but why would you want to walk on that? You might miss something amazing which, as the drone is with me, sounds silly as I could just fly here! Real life, real views, real impressions is what I prefer. After all, if you’re going to go somewhere, really, really go there. Don’t waste any energy and make sure you’re satisfied along the way.

I have no chocolate, only a bottle of water, a dwindling bottle of crazy Lucozade and no hat. Better be quick as heat stroke is never a good thing. The view, this is what it’s for, the darn amazing view. We only have a select few days, in the U.K., that feature amazing weather so every single one of those days must be experienced. Of course, in my younger days, I didn’t see it quite like that but that was until the darn drone arrived.

Even though any financial setting, be it a castle, a few fields in the middle of nowhere, if there’s money involved you will not be able to bring your drone. It’s blatantly obvious now that I’ve been flying for a while, which is a shame, but that’s the way it is. Despite that there’s the hunt. You just want to get better, to grab beautiful shots and, on my varied travels, I’ve seen so many amazing settings. I’ve been to quite a few places around the world, with many more to come, but the United Kingdom, away from the crazy violence, bombs, attacks and other upsets, is beautiful.



All we have to do is believe, to explore, to venture forward, to see what’s out there. It will get you, one day, as the mind craves stimulation even though it denies it all.  I like bikes, I like drones, not a fan of running, but these places have opened my mind to many, many smiles. I’ve a drone life which, thankfully, gets me out there into the real world.

The Drone Life.


P.s. My new walking shoes have now met the sludge that fills random mountain bogs. Yuck.

Tuesday, 30 May 2017

Political Life Rant

Nothing has changed, in the great scheme of things, other than finding new and exciting ways of distracting us from life. We realise, on our last day, that we've missed so very, very much. We still have our overlords, our pretend saviours that rule with rules and fines while they, themselves, escape perusal and persecution.

It is fine, it’s okay, it doesn't matter, as we’re warm in our beds and safe as protected hearts. It doesn't seem to be a realistic scenario, the thought of working, paying, until the end of our time, despite there being renewable energy right in front of our eyes. It’s not supposed to get easier, as we’re controlled, withheld, a step back from where we really could be.


In an ideal world each of our saviours, the educated, trained, saviours that rule over our thoughts and actions, would be taken to a room and fired. Each one. Asked to leave. It’s obvious, it’s right in front of your eyes, that there’s still a class system at work in our very society. We’re constantly told that we’re all special, the same, no matter the colour, height, stance or creed, yet mock anyone or anything that’s even slightly different than ourselves. It’s a taught trait, it’s passed from generation to generation and, no matter the tolerance, will still end with a 10 year old being offered a cigarette at the back of a playground.

This is life, this might be your life, it’s my life, but only together can we stop the greed and consumption. We’re still fixated on printing, with paper, despite there being a wealth of technical diversions. We’re now pacified. Each level, no matter the media, we’re fed images of what and how we’re supposed to look, how we’re to feel, yet the undertone of fear and hostility, with a spoon full of hatred for others, is played like the finest clarinet to fill our ears.

Ideally I resist, normally I ignore, but the further the years advance I'm becoming more and more baffled by the way things still remain the same. Fraud, at the highest level, is part of the normal working day. It’s madness, it’s shameful but, if I were there, what would I do?  I’d like to believe that I’d be better, that I’d do what’s right, but until we’re sitting on that chair, on top of the mountain, looking down, we have no idea what poison may manage to quickly seduce our minds. Maybe the first step would be to stop looking down… .

Each day we’re lucky, actually lucky, not to be assaulted, robbed, or worse. That, however, is outside in the real world. Inside our homes we’re legally threatened, charged excessive amounts, forced to buy TV licences and even pay for basics such as water.  The Basically Biased Crooks place agendas In front of our eyes and the mainstream media promote diversion and segregation. It’s shockingly obvious, it’s painfully puerile, but it keeps all of us in line.


One day, maybe one day, we’ll be allowed to wake up and actually have faith in people that seemingly control our lives.

Life Map

Looking at the map, the lines, all of the names, I throw a small smile onto my face as I glance at the various places I've been. Exploring, at an earlier age, wasn't something I attained to but, now that I'm that bit older, I've realised that venturing forward fits into my desire to create. Explore, create, relive, smile, laugh and move on.


The lines twist across the page, connected, joined, reaching forward to a world that begs for each of us to explore. Sometimes we stop, the junction looming into view, stopping as we’re not quite ready to drive ourselves forward. Left, or right, forward being the direct option, with reverse as the last diversion.

Looking up, from the map, I backtrack and realise that reverse can sometimes be useful, at times, if you know a quicker way forward that’s just behind you. Smirking, a crafty look, with eyes falling back to the map. I know that we prefer speed, to rush to the next step, but there’s obviously fuel to be considered. Energy, support, type pressure, oil levels and snacks to think about.

The plan, the journey, the best laid plans, often being thrown into the wind in favour of another flavoured adventure. Why not plan the trip, to an extent, then throw caution away and just go wild. There’s places, faces, many races, all there offering adventure, exploration, smiles and maybe even a little danger. We, after all, only have today to live as tomorrow is then but, we’re here now, moving forward.

Maybe you’ll bite your lip, slip the gear stick into gear, lifting your foot with the clutch, slowly, feeling the bite and then after checking each direction, dare to move directly forward. We all know what we’d like, or at least have a reasonable expectation, so only we can drive ourselves there. Others can assist, maybe even drop you off at a destination, but the final drive will always, always, come from within.

We know where we've been, we ultimately know where the very last final journey will take us, so exploring the very map of life can sometimes be a viable thing to do. Personally, privately, I’d prefer to go crazy, to explore, to simply drive to destination A, to see B, C, D and E. Each corner affords a new experience, to go wild, to be crazy, to be silly, to explore and to experience. We've lived the mundane, we’re existing in a controlled world, so find that highway that has no speed limit and just drive.

Looking at the map, the places, all of the names, I throw a small smile onto my face as I glance at the various places I need to visit. Exploring the person that I am, at my current age, is something I attain to do now that I'm that bit older, as I'm realising that venturing forward fits into my desire to create.

Explore, learn, understand, smile, laugh and move on. 

Thursday, 11 May 2017

Real Life

Over the many years, at supposedly random moments, I've felt loss and pain. I know that I'm no different, better, or worse, than anyone else, but it’s still something that’s happened to me. Most of us have loved, lost, watched people walk away or even, which is also quite possible, walked away from individuals. Of course none of us, I hope, meant to hurt anyone but that’s this thing called life.

Right now, today, this moment that’s being shared via the power of words, I'm scattered across the floor and room. A thousand little bits. Maybe even a million. I'm not going to count.  Being this divided, across said room, is literally forcing me to face a thousand memories. Each little bit of me, this person, has a thought to share and exclaim. That would be okay, as I'm used to a hundred thoughts flashing across my mind, but in this case each thought wishes to torture my soul.


We've all felt doubt, felt lost, even felt guilty, but for me they’re all emotional moments bombarding my mind over and over again. Usually, when under pressure, I find a solution, I look to the positive while thinking how the negative might come into play but, no matter what, I rise as that’s what I need to do. I know what needs to be done. I act. Even if it takes a week, a month, after each angle’s explored, I act.  Now, today, I'm truly stuck screaming for an answer.

There is no answer. My Mother passed away, she’s no longer here and, just the thought of that, makes me cry pure anguish into the world. I’m so angry, almost broken, that the person that’s held my hand from the moment I arrived into the world is no longer here. Then, the next second, all I feel is her memory trying to tell me that I’ll be okay.

This weekend I visited Ireland which, in a way, is facing certain aspects head on. I don’t know the answer. Time heals all but, in this case, there is no healing from this situation. I almost feel that I need to literally bleed tears until I can heal but I just don’t know how to do that. I’ve been brought up, more or less trained, to be self-sufficient. I’ve spent so much time on my own that I do not know how to share these aspects of my life which means, when I’m on my own, I grasp at a chance to let the emotion free. I cry, I scream, I wrestle with the thoughts until the calm invades everything again.

There is no escape from who you are and how you feel. There is no vision of a perfect solution. I can feel my mind, in the background, speaking with my heart, trying to resolve the issues and conflict within. I know that they’ll find a solution, eventually, as that’s how stubborn I must be. I know that I’m not the only person feeling the madness that wants to take control, but I, we, won’t let it.

Life isn’t fair, it’s not meant to be, as it’s natural, progressing forward no matter the cost or implications for feelings, family or anything else. There is a time for all things. Right now, this time in my life, is a time to heal and grow. How on earth I can grow I truly do not know but I still have hope. From all pain there can flow a better path.

I’ll carry on crying, I’ll carry on shouting at random objects, I’ll find a way to let the pain escape as that’s as much as any of us can do. It hurts like hell, it literally makes me want to scream, to thrash around damning the world, but that’s not fair as I can hardly ever expect lenience from a world where no special favour is provided by nature. This is the natural order that has always been, will always be, without question or divergence.

In a way, my own little way, this blog is my own little fountain of expression. I can type, then type more words, slowly and quietly, letting my thoughts escape into the world until I divert to fiction again. This is real life, this is happening now, but tomorrow might just be a work of fiction. I truly hope so.

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Being aware of your own feelings, your thoughts, how you're coping with the world is important so please, no matter how you do it, share!

There's friends, family and forums that should hopefully be ready to listen
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