The first time I saw your picture, I did and said something
a little bit wrong. My mind escaped itself, vanished, as my eyes sent your
image to my heart and, in that moment, I simply said to the empty room, “I’m
going to marry you!” I then silenced myself, informed myself to stop being
stupid, as this way of thinking simply would not do.
When you get to the age that I am, right now, with the scars
and lessons understood, that way of thinking is all a little bit silly. Maybe
even scary but, when you forget all of that and remind yourself that you can
still be innocent in the way you view things, you can permit, allow, remove the
hesitation and believe again.
There’s only one life, filled with many chances, moments,
with few of them seemingly ever meant to last. I’ve formed connections, created
a whole new world, remembering that things in our lives can and will be better
than they were before.
The second time I saw your picture, after we’d spoken many
times, I’d reached that rational place and space. It’s a solemn realisation
that we have to stay grounded, level, safe and protected. What happened to
flying as high as we could? What happened to my dreams and imagination? I know
that they’re all there, within me, sustaining my worth, hidden from the world
as we’re all supposed to be special, whilst silently exclaiming that we’re afraid
to be more than we are. We’re either all special, all wondrous beings, or
simply all meant to fade away with time.
Either way, whichever picture that I have of you within me,
it matters not. I’ve been called every single name under the sun. I’m
supposedly the most understanding man some have met, also giving, loving,
communicative, whilst freely giving silence as my ears listen to all of your words.
At the same time, as the echoes reach my mind, I’ve heard the vilest comments
being made about who I am. Undeserved, understood, but never to ever be
forgotten.
What I’m trying to convey, as I myself search for the words
to communicate my thoughts, is that I’m no longer willing to put one foot in
front of the other, in order to walk across the bridge between us. I’m not
afraid, most certainly not lacking confidence, but that fear of
miss-understanding and repugnant recriminations, have made me want to stop
forever more. It’s been a year of years, with a few day of days that can never
be taken back.
Yet, still, from nowhere, my heart skipped a second and my
eyes opened wide. No matter which crushing car crash of our lives we’ve
suffered through, no-one and nothing can ever expel my innocence. It’s there,
in my words as your impression flooded my view. We live in a world where men
have to push to get what they want. The lion after the lioness, dressed to
impress with words and actions of pure vulgar irregularity. It’s the golden
standard for all men to aspire to. That’s the truth. The madness of where we’re
at.
I’m not going to do that. I do what I do, I say whatever I
say, as that’s who I am. Yeah, I know, crazy but true. No-one wants a butler,
whilst blagards and thieves exist to taunt everyone with words of temptation.
The word ‘gentleman’ hasn’t existed for the longest of times and I honestly,
truthfully, appreciate why so many people are jaded.
The first time I saw your picture, I did and said something
a little bit silly. My mind escaped itself, jumped, as my eyes sent your image
to my heart and, in that moment, I simply said to the empty room, “I’m going to
marry you!” I then laughed at myself, ignored myself as I was being stupid, as
this way of thinking reminded me of being so very, very young and innocent.
Again.
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