Broken

It’s been two years. Two long, solitary, unforgettable years. I say unforgettable but, what I mean, is that one night defined that word. For me. Forever. It had all started three weeks before that night and, although friends told me, even scolded me, to simply forget, I couldn't. I simply cannot forget.

It seemed like another normal night, a weekend, what we’d both been looking forward to. He wasn't like the others, at all, refined, defined, a clear cut no nonsense type of person. You knew, deep down, you just knew that if you asked him a question you would get a gentle, thoughtful, answer that featured no lies, illusions or other. He was genuine. For once.

I adored his smile, his eyes, yet the way he looked at me made my smile all the more vibrant. I wouldn't go as far to say that I was in love, that fanciable situation that made our hearts skip and legs flutter when kissed, but the moments we shared were like a whirlwind. He appeared into my life, each moment, holding me closer each time, creating such energy that I could honestly feel that I could fly.

Magical, impulsive, whisking me away on adventures that realistically should have been mundane, even silly, but I truly felt so young once again. He held my hand. Always. Held it close, keeping me warm, alive, ensuring that I actually felt wanted. It’s amazing how easy it is to make someone happy yet, at the same time, so many of us fail to even think about anything else other than our own happiness. You can be happy, I was happy, but with another you can truly take that feeling to another level.

Then, on that night, you whispered words that I’d always, my entire life, wanted to hear. You told me, you informed me, with such silent energy that I could feel your feelings from across the table. You’d moved to my side, wanting to be closer, kissing me softly a fair few times. It made my heart flutter and I could feel my eyes soften as I listened to your words. You said, you stated, that you’d waited a lifetime to find me. You knew, even understood, that such words were dangerous explanations and delicate. You’d explored the world, you’d seen the fragility of things, the frail emotions that we all displayed, yet you were there, exclaiming your very heart and maybe soul.

You told me, twice even, to make sure that I understood, that you didn't take emotions or love lightly. To me, it was a dream becoming reality. After being let down so many times, hearing the same words spoken again and again just to reach the usual place, I wanted to believe. I needed to believe that after all of this time, that such things could exist. You explained that I had a good heart, a beautiful heart, that I didn't deserve the pain and agony that others had put me through, but that was then. That moment, the moment, was then.

I listened. You spoke with your eyes, as well as your lips. You made me, or should I say, your intentions asked me to grasp you, to hold you against me, to never let go. I just wanted you to continue talking to me, all night, to make me a believer in another world. Words of love, moments filled with soft kisses, your fingers moving across my skin with such tenderness and care. It simply couldn't be true. You said that we should never let each other down. Ever. That no vile words be spoken, respect being bigger than love, if that was, of course, what I wanted. I did. I do. I still do.

We walked from that place, into the dark, laughing, still holding hands but that was when the world destroyed my entire mind. It shattered, it crumpled, it smashed into a million pieces and to this day, I've never been the same. The car came from nowhere. The driver intoxicated. We both saw the vehicle and, in a slow motion nightmare that I cannot erase from my mind, you turned, pushing me out of the way and I can still remember the look on your face the moment before. You knew what was about to happen. You could feel it. You’d expressed the words that you’d wanted to speak of. You’d finally found the person to be your everything and, in your final breath, you’d saved them. You gave your life for mine and I shall never, ever, forget you. The words you spoke. Your kisses. The smallest of time that we shared.

None of us know how long we have. Be the love within your heart.

Orb

Daniel touched the glowing orb, feeling the resonance flow through his fingertips, up his arm, spreading to his entire body. He knew that he wasn't supposed to be in this part of the building, let alone this room, which would inflict severe consequences if he were to be found. If he were being honest, even as a child, this area was the brightest beacon to his moth like tendencies. A rule breaker, a truth speaker, the jewel in his Mother’s eye and ever so cheeky. This, however, was far beyond where his adventures had previously led him.

Feeling brave, as his five fingers wrapped around the orb, he lifted the item and felt an even greater surge of power. He’d called it power but, as information about this thing was hardly easy to find, he truly did not know what it was doing to him. Bringing it closer, to inspect the fine detail, his eyes focused on the lines, be they inscriptions of some sort, a map, or something that he’d never seen before. The technology of his world, this world, was shrouded in secrecy and although they did use such things to make life easier, they all led that peaceable life. He’d use another word, along the lines of boring, but that wouldn't be spoken out loud as he appreciated the serene complexity of things.

As he brought the orb closer, smiling as the blue aura flowed around his hand, from the object, he felt it move. Increasing his grip, attempting to move it away from him, it suddenly moved towards his chest and, with a thump, struck dead centre and started to press against his sternum. At first he could feel the pressure, then the pain started to increase. If he’d not started to panic he might have noticed that the orb’s energy had changed to red. Hardly important to him, right at this moment, as he’d never felt pain like this as the orb kept on pressing. He heard a crack, the world began to spin, then his view turned dark as he fell backwards, passing out.

His eyes started to open, slowly, his mind trying to grasp what had just happened. Placing a hand to his chest, feeling, he felt nothing, no pain at all. He looked up, around the room, with silence greeting him and, as he stood, he steadied himself against the pedestal that the orb rested upon. His balance was off, slightly, probably from knocking the back of his head when he fell. Dusting off his clothes, wondering what on earth just happened, he turned and walked out of the room. Reaching the corner of the hallway, he looked left and right, reaching into his pocket to find his home-made security hack device. With the click of a button, double checking the status, he confirmed that he could run across. The area was sparse, due to the nature of what it held inside, whatever it was, with white walls and nothing in between. Reaching the other side, clicking the device again, the security measures reset and he calmly walked out of the complex.

Feeling confident, while walking through the crowds of people musing their intended purchases, he felt the market’s energy. There was always a healthy hustle and bustle in this area of the city, which he loved, especially when he’d been extra damn mischievous. He’d gotten away with a lot in his life, even at his young age of 19, with a few moments of being scolded. This, however, was one of his more risqué moments. With a nod, to his Friend Simon, who had been waiting for him, they both continued through the market as Simon asked him questions, “Did you get it?” asked Simon.

“Yeah,” replied Daniel, “but I lost it!”

“How did you do that?”

“You know me, a mystery!”

Daniel had been friends with Simon since coming into this world and, although Simon was smaller he was built for pure speed. He’d never seen someone move as quickly as Simon. He was nearly as quick as a Bullchap runner and that was saying something.

Simon dropped the stone, that he’d been messing with while waiting for Daniel, to his side. He’d wanted to see, or know, what was in the building for the longest time. Such a large space, with so many methods to keep people out, yet Daniel had, as usual, solved the mystery,

“What was it like?” asked Simon.

“The only thing in there was an Orb that glowed. I picked it up and I must have fallen backwards as it hit me in the chest and I passed out?”

Simon, not one to ask many questions, nodded. He also knew Daniel. He knew when he wasn't telling the entire story but, respectfully, he knew not to continue digging as he wasn't going to get anything else from him. For now. Eventually, as time moved, he knew that Simon would fill in the blanks as he simply couldn't help himself.  Daniel didn't like lying, but in this case he wasn't lying as, instead, he was leaving bits out as to not worry Simon. He’d tell him, eventually, just not now. Reaching the market’s junction point, he nodded to Simon and they split. It was late, time to go home.

The first thing he had to do, tomorrow morning, was break into the lab where they held the secret scanning machine as he, after all that had taken place, needed to know what happened and he had a sneaking suspicion he’d find answers there. He wasn't scared, not one bit, as life was for adventure and if this led to adventure, then he was all for that.

-----------------

This would be TV pilot with the ending being on Earth. After he manages to scan himself he finds the orb wrapped around his heart which does something to his blood stream. When the planet is attacked, due to his messing with the orb, he hits his chest and is teleported to Earth. His Mother arrives, after awhile, telling him that his world has been basically destroyed. Heavy stuff. We then move forward with him finding out the special abilities as the enemy eventually arrives, after scouting the planet. etc. Usual Sci-Fi stuff.

Event

Standing outside of the main room, waiting, trying to feel relaxed, she simply felt the nerves eating at her sanity. She’d not had an actual invite but, at the very last moment, a person came through for her and here she was. Waiting. She’d selected the most appropriate dress, for the evening, long, backless, with that tempting hint of cleavage ready to impress. Matching shoes, the complimentary small purse and bag concoction that was seemingly in that week, as well as the suitable hair combination of curls and glamour.

Deep down, from all of the years and past events, she knew that she was a good looking woman, modesty being removed from the equation, but that still didn't stop her from the worry, slight anxiety, as well as the constant nagging itch that something wasn't right. She’d often wonder why she couldn't just go with it, be how she was, but after years of side comments from previous partners it just couldn't be that way.

The doors opened. Light throwing itself into her eyes, as they quickly acclimatised, she stood still until the others pushed through the double doors. Last, as usual, into the event. A sudden rise of panic hit her mind but she inhaled, then exhaled quickly, as she ignored all of that and placed one foot in front of the other. This was it, hardly the most exciting thing in the world, but a room full of people did often agitate her into a wild bundle of panic.

Walking into the room she glanced across, taking in the surroundings. Fancy chandeliers, wooden floor, around 30 tables, plenty of people chatting and coughing, with a distant piano playing beautiful music. Table 27, apparently, was her table. She could feel the eyes looking at her. She was a woman, after all, so men looking at her just seemed to be ignored as you get used to such things, but in this instance she knew that women were also looking. Judging, not accepting her choice of dress, accompanying hand bag, or even her style of hair. She really didn't play that game. Women should support each other, not tear each other into strips of a catalogue defining how, where and when they should look or be. But, as she knew, she simply ignored all of that and kept her head held high despite the inner struggle and thoughts.

Her roller-coaster mind kept on going, thinking, demanding attention, while her outgoing person simply smiled and said hello to each person that caught her gaze. So far, so good. She hadn't fallen over, walked into anything, snapped a heel or kicked anyone’s bag. Turning her thoughts around she started thinking positive thoughts. She was here, in the room, glowing, happy, smiling, looking damn good, despite feeling a small bit of guilt for thinking that way, but the truth was just that.

Reaching her table, feeling like a marathon had just been undertaken, she knew where she was sitting as there was only one chair left. As the people at the table looked in her direction a gentleman, who would be sitting to her left, jumped up and pulled out the chair. She’d thought that those days were long gone, the gentleman, the guy that knew the importance of a woman, given way to the politically correct madness. That was nice. Appreciated. She nodded and said ‘thank you’ as he moved the chair slightly forward as she sat.  ‘Let the grilling begin’, she said to herself and no-one else in particular. From her right side a waiter appeared with a wine bottle and that, especially that, would be appreciated right about now. It was bad enough attending such an event on her own, but with no wine? Madness. Utter madness.

As she glanced around the table, knowing that virtually every single male had, in the first ten seconds, noticed her cleavage, then her face, she gulped down the wine as she was sure no-one had noticed. They were chatting, amongst each other, laughing, bonding, as she quickly listened to each conversation. Who was kind, who was showing off, which of them were like her and more. From across the table, the loudest male, with probably the largest ego and smallest ‘package’, piped up, “Now that we all know each other, how about the new lady at the table?” She could feel herself turn a slight shade of red but, before she let that control her, she quickly replied,

“Me? I’m here for more of this!” to which she leaned forward, grasped the wine bottle and filled her glass. The table laughed,

“Cheers to that,” he replied.

She knew, now that all of that was over with, that the night would be an absolute blast.

Yesterday

Opening the bottle, sombre, reflecting while simply being tired, she poured the wine into the crystal clear glass. It had been a very, very long week and, above all, she was glad that it had reached the end. The same, as she closed her eyes, could be said about something else.

It had lasted two years, with the first 4 months being glorious, a blast, something that she’d always miss. But, as can be the case, that blast eventually descended to a place that she’d seen before. The arguments, the drama, the he said and she said maze that seemed to send her mind into such confusion. It wasn't worth it, it never was, but that’s where she was. Until yesterday. The roller-coaster had ended.

The day started, the same day as the day before, with kisses exchanged, him tapping her bum as she flew in, then out, of the shower. He was playful, she’d give him that, had the gift of words and the smile to melt butter, but no matter how his eyes often looked at her it simply wasn't enough. The kisses didn't hide the words, those small words, that often made her feel inadequate. The words that didn't afford her the smiles that she used to hide her feelings.

She knew that she wasn't different, not assured special treatment, as her friends often told her stories that would make any hair curl no matter which GHD she used. But she often asked herself if it really was supposed to be the way it was. Deep down, it wasn't, she knew this. Felt it. Realised it on the occasions that she noticed how some men treated their ladies. It wasn't difficult, it wasn't impossible, but that depended on whom she selected.

They’d met, those years previous, through mutual friends and he seemed to head straight for her despite the various other people. His smile, that smile, assured her of his confidence but maybe, just maybe, that bravado hid the person that he actually was. She also pushed her best face forward but, when relaxed, she wasn't an ogre or maniacal demon. She was herself, the woman that her Mother and Father had brought up, with respect and manners.

Either way it had ended. Simple things, small words, singular moments, all collecting into a near meltdown in public. No doubt it would all be her fault, with him using the moment to proclaim his innocence, but that wasn't the case. She wasn't perfect, she never would be despite trying for him, with her hindsight being crystal clear. Her opinion, at times, being completely ignored, was also one of the bigger failings. She was clever, some would even state that she was street smart, with that term being straight from the eighties. But that didn't matter, didn't figure in the great scheme of things.

She’d had enough, ended it right on the spot, taking back her self confidence and some pride. Obviously, as she gulped down the remaining wine in the glass before a re-fill, she’d have to deal with those mentioned emotional bruises. Heaven knows how she’d been affected by the way she allowed him to make her feel. She’d lost far too much weight, gained weight, yo-yoed a few more times, before finally finding a place that didn’t care how many times his side remarks would appear before a night out.

Cruelty came in many forms, many ways, the smallest of glances, the longest of words, the lack of kisses or, even, the silence of a phone never ringing. That, thankfully, wasn’t today, it wouldn’t be tomorrow, or the next day or month after that.

That was, today, yesterday.

Depression

I can feel the ashes, falling, breaking into smaller parts of the person that I once was. The heat, still looming throughout everything in front of me, starts to fade as I rise. I know that I shouldn't be able to stand, that I should stay where I've fallen, but that’s not the emotion that I'm supposed to be, the person that was created from the many years of life. All it takes is one step, just one, which I make as soon as my body allows the instruction to reach my muscles.

Another step, the heat starting to fade, allowing a further movement away from the destruction of my own making. I'm aware, I've always been aware, of what’s going on within my surroundings but sometimes, those moments, I let the world take control and run away with itself. Silly me, oh silly me, why on earth do any of us let the world take control of our destiny?

It burnt to the ground, this life of mine. Maybe you've been here too. That moment when the cup falls from your hand, smashing to the ground, sending pieces across the floor. It wasn't the drop, it’s not the crash that damages you, it’s the thoughts after when you have to clean up the mess. That’s the damage, that’s where the fire consumes you. Destroys you. Burns everything to the ground.

You question, you question again, trying to rectify, find that resolution to combat all, but that seldom works. You have to burn. You have to cry and scream. You have to experience the break, the down, before applying that band aid.

It’s difficult, beyond imagination, that our lives are held together by strands of time. We've pieced together a life of moments. We share with someone, possibly anyone, while protecting ourselves as much as we can. None of that matters, when we really think about it, as we’re trapped within our very own lives by the realistic fear of doing something else. Being someone else. Heaven forbid that we actually wish for change. I fought with depression, the dirty word that most of us have experienced, yet seldom have the strength to speak of, without realising that the people that sit beside us have been through something similar.

But that’s then, this is now, my footsteps becoming more of a walk. I stumble, the heat and destruction nearly a memory in the distant past, as I attempt to run. That’s it, one foot in front of the other, widening the gap between each step. I'm running, tears streaming from my eyes, never actually realising that I could escape to a new place, a better place. The freedom hits my face, the touch as soft as the purest feather, reminding me that there is such a thing as sunshine from the utter darkness that we create within our own souls.

Settling into a jog, heart nearly bursting after being silent for so long, the adrenaline pushing me again and again. I'm free, finally, the smile across my face feeling exhilarating and pushing me further. This is a new life, a new me, a place that I can build with simplicity. No need for clutter, no need for anything other that my own peace. As simple as I can make it. I'm not leaving this world with all of my possessions so I can forsake many of the things that I think that I want, instead, working with what I need.

My heart is alive, I'm going to tell the world, from the highest mountain. Even if no-one can hear me, even if no-one replies, I'm still expressing my feelings and throwing positive energy into the void. If only we could all rise from our ashes, the broken places that hold the failed promises. I know that we can all do this. I know that we can all be… more. I'm free, my hands are open, embrace me, hold my hand, so together we can fight the words that none of us hear.

Vulnerable

There’s moments when I cannot control how I feel, the rare time that my defences are down, down all the way to the very floor that I'm standing upon right now. I'm fully open, scared, vulnerable, wanting to feel and nothing else. My mind is all over the place, the very emotions I control finally grasping control of the foundations of my life. It’s wondrous, it’s making me feel alive but, at the same time, it’s not a place I often visit.

My female heart is beating, that little bit faster, the circumstances of the moment dictating my resolve and the seconds are like the beating of my said heart. I know that it’s probably not the time to say this, when I'm filled with grief, of loss, but I just want to throw myself at you, to be around you, in any single simple way that I can.

If there were ever a time that a woman makes love, it would be now. Right now. There’s no point in delaying the outcome as time is valuable. The time, as mentioned above, won’t last forever. Grasp me, hold me, let me hold all of you. I’m going to drown myself within your life, that body, kissing all of your lips as I just want to feel. I’m sick of staying within this mind of mine and just want to feel.

Emotions be damned, emotions be withheld, I’m in that mood and it doesn’t happen often. Love, make, love, do, love me as I’m sure to love you. I’m lost, help me find the way, I’m open, keep the door that way, invite yourself in as I’ll be around all of you. I’m so scared right now, unbelievably scrambling for something, someone, to hold. Embrace me, race me, never reaching the finish line.

I know that I'm hurting, I know that I'm in pain and the thought of using another is not what I want but, it doesn't matter. I need something. I need more. I need to feel before I close myself again. Please, help. Me.

I just cannot find the words for something that’s deep inside of me. I cannot control this part of me, I cannot hide the feelings I have, despite doing a very good job of doing so. I know that you’re not a detective but some things, at some times, I have to spell out to you.  No-one has any idea of how I feel, they couldn't, as every single desire and wish is there for the taking. I need to wrap myself around you.

But this is not the case, I sit here alone, screaming silently. I’ll close the doors, soon, in a few hours time, maybe tomorrow, but they will close. No-one gets to see my heart often, although it’s there and it’s a kind heart, but I’m not talking about that side of me. I’m talking about a woman, bonding, holding, feeling, giving my energy to another in a way that cannot be faulted.

I’ll not tell you this, of course, as I dare not. I’ll write it, I’ll think about it, while holding my grief and unstable state together the best I can. After all, when all is said and written, I dare not open myself to anyone least of all the world. That's what it means, to be vulnerable.

Temptation

All my friends told me so, the words of wisdom being pushed aside like the rain on a car screen. Wiping them all away, simply not listening, destined to head straight towards that brick wall of fate. I told myself, even witnessed the words resounding into my own ears, that I wouldn't

fall, but seldom do the wishes of others come true.

I know that I'm down, heart waiting to fail, scampering around like a lost child, but that still won’t stop me in this endeavour of mind. Just a few simple words, the never-ending gaze of yours, meant that I was hooked quicker than a fish within this very sea of life.

You walked in, on that day, with that fancy walk of yours. The confidence simply embraced every single man within that room and place. Normally, I’d ignore such things, being the person that I am. Calm, a relaxed view of the world, letting most moments deflect themselves from my view but this was different. Your eyes, the way you handled yourself, knowing, the attitude that spoke of a world where you sat on top, riding the way that you liked, owning all that you could see. The world was yours and it would never, ever, beg to be let go.

I tried to be passive, nonchalant to your advances, but there’s only so much resolve a man can work with before breaking. I’d said no, a hundred times, a thousand times, within my own mind yet, when it came down to actually saying the word in real life… I failed.  I gave in. I embraced everything you had to offer. I dived in, drenched myself in your very core, wrapped you around me until I could take no more.

That’s where the trouble starts, where the story becomes a dramatic slice of mystery. How much is enough? There’s such a thing, in life, called a roller coaster. The ideal situation would be the highs, with no lows, but that’s not life, especially with you. It’s more like a roller coaster in the bedroom, with the up and down threatening to spiral out of control into the real world. You see, it’s madness to assume that a man has no limits, but when faced with such a woman that knows none, it can leave a person broken.

The emotional turmoil, the deafening silence, then the moment where you’re demanding. More is never enough, more is what you always want, but how much more can a single person ever provide. You want me to flow like a river, never ending, twisting my fingertips across your skin, never finding that your thirst is ever satisfied. It’s endless, boundless, faultless and more.

You’re temptation to a level I’ve never seen, hardly felt, but never prepared for. One-minute cold and then, the next, scolding temperatures threatening to burn the very senses from my skin. I would run from you, if I could command my body to move even one inch away from yours. I’m trapped, the web being your lips, the spider being those darn hips, with your smile making me your easy prey.

All my friends told me so, the words of wisdom being washed away as your lips pressed against mine. Wiping away all of their words, destined to head straight towards you, knowing my ever-present fate. I told myself, even witnessed the words resounding into my own ears, that I wouldn't fall, but seldom do the wishes of others come true.