2018

A year. An entire year, done, dusted, forever gone and all that remains are memories, successes, failures and the lessons we’re supposed to learn. Did I say successes? (I'm currently smiling).  Being truthful I hardly remember anything about the start of the year, or the middle of the year, as the ending overshadowed everything.

We all know that we have ‘issues’, the big, the small, the ones we deny and the major moments that are pushed to the back of our minds. They’re there, waiting. I'm the type of person that wants answers. Needs answers. I'm not going to simply sit and do nothing, especially when the world around me crumbles into small little bits. I will seek a solution. There are, to me, no problems… only solutions. I'm surrounded by people that need answers, need those solutions, yet continue day to day with band aids while holding on by the skin of their teeth. I want peace. I don’t like the negative aspects of my personality and would prefer, profoundly prefer, to remove them forever. Or, at least, resolve what’s going on behind the scenes. Once you've done that, no matter how difficult, the mind does settle.  Believe me… I know that it can and does.

The year 2018 will always be remembered and I don’t think I can ever forget it. I finally, thankfully, came to terms with the biggest loss in my life. I say that, while knowing nothing, or no-one, can ever pacify the emotions involved when your parent(s) pass away. The biggest, most influential platform that keeps you feeling safe within the world, one day, leaves. Typing this is emotional, as it should be, as I feel for anyone and everyone that has to face, or will face, this/these events. Brace yourself. Hold onto a hand that you love, as you will need them. I now, can finally, close my eyes and hold my Mother's hand and smile. It's a truly beautiful moment when you reach a place such as this.

I now battle my own self-worth. I'm complicated, I'm a bundle of fun, I've a heart that could (literally) love the entire world. I wouldn't hurt a fly, yet I’d fight until I could no longer stand, to protect the people I love. I'm a contradiction and I know it. I've hurt people… oh I truly have but, when all’s said and done, I never ‘meant’ to hurt anyone. Right now, I'm changing, as a person, due to various moments from the last two months. My self confidence is sitting in the corner, wondering what to do. Do I stop caring? Should I specifically only care for myself?  The answer to that is basically, yes, I should only care for myself and my close friends. The amount of love, that I've been shown, over the last two months has been quite difficult to accept. Or understand. I'm supposed to be the selfless one, trying to think of others, while slowly sinking into a place I dearly wished I never found.

I'm becoming my own platform. I do not ‘need’ anyone. At any stage. It’s an odd feeling. But, after saying that, I ‘want’ people to be within my life. No person is an Island. It cannot work. For long. Be strong, stay upright, clench your fists, deny the world, stand tall and be all you can be. This is the aim. This is where I was before and I'm right there again. But that self-worth, as mentioned above, nags at me. It only requires a simple answer and, as the days move forward, I realise that I'm  stupidly strong despite my own heart breaking in multiple ways at the same exact time. I took the brunt of the situation, with my Mother, placed it to the side and did what I always do. Survive. I won’t do that ever again. I will embrace the pain, straight away. I’ll rock, I’ll cry, I’ll go for that drive where you scream with rage and hatred for the world. How dare the universe break my heart and throw it back into my chest. How dare I ignore the hurt. How dare I push away the people that ‘do’ love me. How dare I be offered what I want and then have it vanish. How dare I think that my common sense overshadows the basic pain of life. As intelligent as I am, supposedly, I can be so overwhelmingly dumb at times.

But that was then and this, right now, is the current moment. From ashes, arises the will to re-build. Stronger bones and flesh. A cast iron heart with the smallest door, the tiniest key, for the pre-approved out there. I haven’t lost my heart and I haven’t lost my mind. Instead, like any survivor, I found the appropriate solution for me. It worked.  Nothing in 2019 will catch me by surprise, or so I say. I won’t be handing my heart to anyone soon (or maybe ever), I’ll be working on my body, as well as mental strength, each step of the way. I do not wish to lean on anyone from this point forward. I will be my own self-contained saviour, soul and heart. But friends… I want friends. I want good conversation, I want laughter, I want to be charming, filled with life and more. The sooner I love myself the sooner I’ll ‘allow’ myself to love another.

2018, to me, has actually been life changing. In a good way, in a bad way, in a dreadfully painful way, but that’s what we learn from. Learn from failures, learn from rejection, learn from the loss and, most of all, heal. Become more. Do more. Say less. Say it all. None of it matters unless you’re smiling and that, to me, is my only aim heading into 2019. To smile, to love, to be the person I'm meant to be. I was asked a question last month that stopped me in my tracks, “Do you even know who you are?”

Well… let’s finally find the answer to that question in 2019.

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P.s. But after writing all of that... I'm healthy, I have a home, I have friends which means that I have absolutely nothing to complain about. I am so damn lucky to have the life I have.