Addict

Daniel’s left leg bounced up and down as his gaze shifted from the floor, to the host of the event. All attendees sitting, trying to find a solution, as well as making it through the session without embarrassment. He really, really, did not wish to be here but it was time. That time. The moment within a very second where you released that you needed to understand or, simply, be understood.

Craig, the host of this session, smiled a comforting smile, nodding once, which was the signal for Daniel to finally be brave. He’d talked about his situation with a couple of people, the circumstances being dismissed as simply being ‘a male thing to do’. That, for him, wasn’t enough and wasn’t an answer that made sense. He cleared his throat, coughing once, as he steadied his leg by resting his arm against it.

“Hi, my name’s Daniel and I’m,” he paused for a second, glancing across to see what expressions the others had, before continuing, “a sex addict. Sort of. Maybe. I don’t know. That’s why I’m here.” He looked up again, at their faces, to see no change of emotion. He had their attention, he knew that much as sex sold any conversation and he had, at last, started his story. He didn’t want to tell them everything, to the smallest detail, but maybe he should. For now, as far as he’d been told, he was to simply, gently, express his issue as best he could.

He could feel his heart that was previously racing, start to calm itself. The hurdle jumped, the button pressed, his inner issues soon to become something else. Although he would rather be somewhere else, he caught hold of the positive emotion within, keeping it within his thoughts, allowing the saving grace to finally move him forward.

“It’s not about sex, really. It’s about being close. Holding someone. You know. Feeling them under you, wanting you.”

He did feel embarrassed, with the other attendee’s previously spoken stories being far more serious than his, but as Craig had said, ‘Our issues are our issues. No more and no less as important as the next person’.  He’d appreciated the meaning which, in turn, enabled him to finally reach out and say the things he should have said many, many years previous.

“You’ll laugh. All started years back as a kid. I’d sneaked into the Teacher’s staff room. Looking for bloody biscuits. Was always one for a dare. The door opened and I hid. Two female Teachers started talking and one was going on about how the sex was. Intense. Close. You know. Will spare the detail for today. It stuck with me. Really got in there. My head. Now I’m here!”

Craig, leaning forward ever so slightly to engage, looked serious as each word from Daniel appeared, “How do you meet women, Daniel?” he asked.

“My job. I’m on markets and a good handy man. Hah. Good with my hands, see. Bit of a cheeky chap. Always gettin’ into trouble. There isn’t a story I’ve not heard, or told, with many more in here.” Daniel tapped the side of his head, with a finger, as he finished speaking.

Craig lent back onto his chair, nodding, “Why do you think that you’re an addict?”

“Easy. I can’t stop hearing her words in my skull. What the Teacher said. It’s like a drug,“ answered Daniel, as his leg started to bounce up and down again, “Some people drink, smoke, take drugs. I’ve gotta’ just hold someone. Feel them around me. Don’t really care who.”

Daniel glanced at the others, their eyes finally softening to his situation, their realisation and consideration appearing.  No matter the addiction, no matter the substance, they’d all lost control of something within. They understood. They realised.

“You see, I’d like one woman. One. Just one. But the need is constant. I’ve lost count. I tell ya’. Madness!  That’s it.”

 Craig smiled at Daniel, as he stood, reaching out with his hand. Daniel stood, shaking Craig’s hand, as the others in the group clapped as Craig spoke, “Well done Daniel, well done. Next week we can go into detail. If you like?” Daniel nodded once, returning to his seat.

Daniel felt a great big weight start to fall from his shoulders, realising that not everyone would laugh, or joke, about such matters. He was, apparently, supposed to be the way he was. He was male and that was what men did. He knew it wasn’t right, to constantly be hounded by such events. Those moments. A young mind, impressionable, learning, didn’t quite understand some of the world’s situations and he, more than most, understood what this meant.

The minutes flew, the clock hands moving, as the final person sat within the hall, finished their diatribe on life. It was refreshing, cold, shocking and also enthralling, listening to others that had experience of being within the grip of near madness. It enlivened him, held him close, whilst providing a platform of possible safety and calm.

He stood from his chair, walking over to the table that held the various sandwiches, pastries and drinks. Looking at the selection, he licked his lips ever so slightly, his stomach agreeing with whatever selection. As he continued to ogle the food, one of the attendees appeared beside him. He’d noticed her the moment he’d walked into the room. That was what he did. This is what he knew all about. The hunt, the game, the viable options and avenues to get what he wanted. At first, he’d noticed her eyes, those piercing eyes that looked like they could see into his living soul, whilst threatening to remove it from his very chest.

He heard the Teacher’s taunting voice within his head, from all those years previous, over-riding any futile attempt he might make to excuse himself from the situation and, instead, he simply smiled.

“I listened to your story,“ she said, her lips virtually begging for his attention, “it moved me!”

“Thank you.” He replied, as he forced his mind to behave.

“You’re a handy man?”

“Yeah. Good one as well!”

“I have a leaky tap at home?”

He turned slightly, his body facing hers, waiting for all and any signs of interest. This, to him, was as easy as breathing. His smile knew exactly what would happen over the coming hours, as his mind gave in to his inner demon, “Could fix that for you?”

She smiled, her head leaning to the side ever so slightly, mirroring him as she replied, “Okay. Fancy going now?”

Daniel nodded as she gave him that smile of intent. Women seemed to find him, always, wherever, whenever, and it seemed to follow the same script. He didn’t truly understand why, but he knew what he wanted and seemed to simply fall into its embrace.  He was here to cure himself, to remove the very moments that had haunted his waking life for far too long. However, he knew all too well, that until he was cured, we would still be an addict.

Click to Listen

50,000

From the bottom and top, as well as the middle of my heart... thank you.

50,000 views.

Cake

She held the wine glass against her lips, drinking, tasting, as she more or less gulped the remaining liquid. That first glass after a heavy day did wonders, relaxing her, asking her to simply escape and forget the events of the day behind her. She poured another glass as she looked at the small cake, not quite to the top, but near enough. It was that day, the day, when the star-crossed lovers all around her bleated on and on about how wonderful their partner is, despite spending quite a few days of the year feeling miserable.

She didn’t envy them as she, instead, preferred to see through the clear reality of things. Nothing was perfect and never, ever, would they be. She looked at the chair across from her, the top appearing over the small table that currently featured a bottle of wine, a glass, as well as a small little cake for her loved one. She started to reminisce, to return to the days now faded. As her mind moved into her memories, she recalled a few previous love affairs that had once sat across from her.

David. He was the smart one, intelligent, witty, with the correcting manner of a teacher. She understood his desire to correct, to teach, but his understanding seemed to be limited to his own way of doing things, instead of appreciating that everyone wouldn’t follow the same path. Even in bed, she often felt like a mechanical part of a process. He didn’t last long, in either sense of the thought. She let out a small laugh, as the wine once again touched her lips.

Robert. Rob to his friends. He was the cheeky chap, the fun filled laugh a minute type, that was a blast to be around. He adored an audience, wished to be the centre of attention, no matter the location, or people around him. At first it was quite alluring, meeting all of his friends, the million and one people that he knew. Then, after a while, she’d realised that his attention would never, ever, be fully focused on what they were doing. She didn’t ask for a lot, at any point in time, but she simply wished for his time.

Gaz. The tech wizard, the social artist that wished to be the influencer of people. It would have worked, as he listened, honestly, genuinely, listened to her. She enjoyed his company, when his head wasn’t firmly stuck to his mobile phone. Online, somewhere else, far away, pleasing the many when the few would sustain. She had, at this point, become sick of being hidden and feeling second best.

Simon. She had to admit it, to herself, her neighbours, her friends and to her family. He was pretty. So damn, perfectly, deliciously pretty. She could hardly even look at him without something inside wishing to melt. He had the body of an athlete and the appetite to match. The days stretched to nights and his near never-ending insatiability knocked her from her darn feet.  He was a keeper, despite somehow always feeling like the Beast within the Beauty of the play. He was, however, also loving two other women at the very same time. He was, in all ways, a complete dog.

Richard. The one. That one. The person that you somehow never forget. He was perfect. Down to earth, sociable, but by her side when needed. He listened but didn’t take any of her idiotic ramblings. Straight talking, sensitive and the man she needed in her life. He was lost to her, the day he finally realised that she’d been damaged by the others, the ripples of time finally causing a rift between the two of them. If she’d have resolved her issues, or at least tried instead of hiding, it might have worked. Instead, she hid from herself and in turn, lost him.

Finishing the glass of wine, which allowed her thoughts to fade away, she leaned forward to open the small box that was sat on the table. The plastic inner packaging was placed to the side, to position the small cake onto the edible paper plate. She’d found a new love, an honest love, the type of love that would last until either of their dying breaths and, thankfully, they missed each other every single day.

She tapped a spoon against the side of the table, the racket echoing through the house. She listened, the silence saying what it needed to say, as she heard the thundering from the stairs. She often winced at the speed to which he flew down the stairs and, thankfully, she knew that he’d always be okay.

She smiled as he entered the kitchen, panting, jumping onto the chair to smash his face into the cake. His big bright eyes, the silly long tongue, all warming her soul. He looked up, the cake demolished within a few seconds, as he licked his lips. This male in front of her, would never let her down. He was the only dog she’d ever allow into her life from this moment on and if he were a good boy, he would have his cake and eat it.

Click to Listen

Hand

Daniel sat at the table, the moment seemingly lasting forever, the very second she arrived. They were meant to be together, hopefully the word 'forever' featuring, despite his understanding of the way things worked.

He appreciated her, the way she spoke, the words she used, her small little smiles when he knew that she’d thought of something funny and, especially, the way she rushed to tell him that very singular thought. She was smart, the kind of woman that you’d want to listen to for hours. She had her head screwed on straight, level, the quirks of life somehow never managing to knock her sideways into that place he’d escaped a fair few times.

He desired her, the way she dressed, conservatively at times, the slack jim-jams the next day, with the adventurous side appearing when she felt that inner need to do so. Her own soul, her own mind, the days and nights never scripted or acted as if they were within a play of someone else’s words. She was, above all, that mighty flame that easily lit his fire in each and every single way.

He wanted her, to be around him, near him, anywhere but away from his side. She would walk in and his sanity would leave the building. He could fly, truly float into the clouds, whenever she even remotely looked his way. He wasn’t the type of man to run with ideals of fantasy or a heart’s theft, but this was all it was meant to be. If she gave him a ladder, he’d climb for her. If she were a pool of her own raw emotion, he’d gladly swim until she begged him to stop.

He wished for her; those wishes that mean the world to him. Her success, her health, for her sanity and more. Nearly all his thoughts, words, no matter the subject, reminded him that he had somewhere to be, wishes to be made and more. This was a love affair that defied all wishes and wants. If she were a genie, trapped within her worldly lamp, he’d gladly caress the lamp until she managed to be free. Each of the three wishes, simply, easily, asking for her choices to be her own.

He missed her, in the ways that scribes had mentioned throughout the histories of man. She wasn’t his Eve, as Eve was made from Adam and that, to him, simply would not do. She was the Lilith within his world, that equal, the greater half of the two becoming one. Whenever apart, he’d mourn the seconds that escaped his grasp, the precious seconds that could have been spent by her side. The creed, that greed, the connection between the two becoming something more than the wanton norm.

He romanticised her, the thoughts and expressions written firmly across his very actions. The way he looked at her, noticed her, dreamt about her, becoming his waking moments. He never thought that he’d reach a place such as this, the unravelling of learned behaviours, to be replaced with lucid actions and meaning. He had no plan without her, no vision, the understanding suddenly lacking without her gaze. He’d lost himself within, finding the release and freedom never once felt before. That swooning feeling, that of a starry-eyed fool, gladly allowing his heart to be removed.

He understood her, realising that any man would gladly become the very essence of the word, ‘man’, when confronted by such a presence. He’d laugh, mock himself, for thinking this way but it was of no use. Beside every single man, stood a woman that he’d gladly give himself for. He was lucky, one of the few, to be connected in such a way. She felt the same, the idol upon her pedestal removed, to ensure they both remained grounded.

He appreciated, desired, wanted, wished, missed and knew her. The time taken to listen, to reply, to appreciate her inner-working heart, soul and mind, brought the realisation that no matter what happened, no matter the situation or setting, he simply, easily, would live every single second again as long as he could, always, that forever, just hold her hand.

Click to listen

Denial

I’m not in love with you. I admit it. You’re never on my mind, always away from my thoughts and none of my actions are about you.

I’m not in love with you. I’ll say it. I hardly remember any of your words, that you said on all of those days and nights when we laughed, sometimes cried, whilst setting the world alight and also right. I hardly even remember your voice, the softness of each word that you spoke to my lips, as you hardly even existed.

I’m not in love with you. I’ll deny it. With every single breath from my mouth, I’ll exclaim and also proclaim, that my feelings are neither here, never there, whilst also being fair. Nothing you said made me laugh, your moments seemingly vanishing the harder I never mention you within my thoughts.

I’m not in love with you.

/Denial.

Click to Listen

Memories

The atmosphere, the fog within his mind, exclaimed the singular desire to be seen, noticed and held. Daniel, sat next to the slightly open window, looked across the beautifully scenic lake as an actual fog spread itself in front of his view. He was, finally, at peace.

He ran his fingers along the windowpane, the paint upon the wood flaking slightly, as the age failed to hide the neglected attention and detail. He loved this place, moments such as this. He adored them and held them close to him. He needed next to nothing within his small, comfortable, flexible world and it showed.

Across from him sat the power tools, his intentions clear, with this new home becoming his future life and residence. He’d clean, he’d bring this place to where he’d relax, thankful to his very body and mind for doing what they did. He smiled, closing his eyes, as he heard the car engine outside. She was here.

He felt his heart suddenly move within his chest, the increased beat, as he breathed in the clean fresh air. This place, far from the hustle and bustle, the life of grime and constant aggravation, would hopefully ensure that his time, their time, would last for as long as possible. The world cared not for the people that wished to make memories as, instead, it preferred to dilute, infect, combust and rip apart emotions with callous motions.

He no longer wished to fight amongst the daily turbulence. That nine to five. Those days that repeated again and again. This place, these moments, were his chance to escape the thought of his very soul being crushed, to eventually be replaced by a younger, eager, fresh faced version. He moved away from the window, happy, his emotions refined to a steady flow of pure silence.

The door opened, as he neared. She smiled, dropping her bag to her side, her smile filling the room with such light that absolutely every single inch became something new. Standing there, in front of her smile, he felt his entire world view constrain itself to this very second. The very moment. He wished for this place and it came true. The grind and punishment finally all worthwhile. She was, above all, the surprise that appeared from nowhere.

He stepped forward, his hand finding hers, as their fingers embraced. His other hand found itself against her lower back, pulling her close to him. “It’s cold out there!” he said, with his very smile filling his words with tender care. He’d missed her.

“Do you have any ideas that might warm me a little?”

“I do, actually!”

Gently, with thought and actual emotion, he expressed the way he’d missed her with the smallest of kisses. He just wanted to look into her eyes, to express, to know what was going on within that mind of hers.

“I see that you’ve brought your man tools with you!” she stated, as she ever so slightly leaned to her side.

Daniel nodded, laughing a little, knowing that she really did not like his man tools in any description.

“You know me, I’m not one to leave things for long!”

She placed her hand against his chest, pushing him away from her, ever so slightly.

“Well then, you’d better get a load of this!”

His mouth opened slightly, as she removed her long coat. Normally, usually, she might be wearing something extra special underneath, but on this occasion, she meant business!

Daniel laughed hard, placing his hands onto his knees as he kept his balance. She was wearing an all in one boiler suit, as she produced rubber gloves from either pocket.

“When you stop laughing, I think that there’s work for the both of us!”

Within his earlier years, he’d wished to create a home with someone, a real place to become one, until two, or maybe even three. He’d failed, the years moving away from him as he blinked away the moments and memories. This was beautiful, amazing, enthralling and, although he knew that most would find the tasks boring, he would not. It wasn’t work. This, to him, was absolute bliss. Creating something new with someone that cared and wished to share was, overall, what people were meant to do. Memories. Moments. The creation of something new. Together.

Click to Listen

Tock

The windowpane creaked, ever so slightly, breaking the silence within the near barren room. She’d thrown all of it away, out of her life, hopefully freeing her mind and thoughts. Eyes closed, fists clenched upon the floor, she listened to the silence. For a brief second, her thoughts stopped as the ticking of the old clock invaded the empty space. She needed her mind to simply stop. Taunted, haunted, as her heart literally banging against her chest. It asked for him, begged for him to return, savaged and ravaged by the events that had recently transpired. Her heart knew the truth, but the innocence within her still wished and wanted to believe in something else.

Another path, all part of a dream, but the realism of the events meant that a dream would be a merciful awakening. This was true to life, ever present, the way of the world and her life. He’d said all the right things. He’d completed all of the required actions and yet, despite her idiotic emotions running away with their fantasy, her instincts warned her. They’d shouted at her. It was no use. His kisses embraced her emotions. His touch conveyed a warmth seldom felt. His words erasing her own letters, as she held onto every single second of his time.

She felt the tears rise within her, again, as she wept her tears. She couldn’t stop the feelings rising within her and, being honest, she knew that she shouldn’t. ‘Let it go’, would be the words from her Mother’s lips. A wise Woman, raising another wise Woman, despite falling yet again for a charlatan, a liar, a thief of hearts and a lover of her body. She looked at her tears resting upon the floor, realising and smiling, due to the thought of each drop escaping her inner pain. She smiled through the tears, as her fist scrubbed away the liquid in front of her.

She’d believed, she’d listened, she’d embraced every single word that he’d exclaimed over the fire filled nights and enthusiastically adventurous days. They’d worked together, that yang for the ying, the encompassing tribunal of legal debauchery. She wanted him, actually desired him, yearning for the second they’d see each other again. He’d greet her with such gusto that she’d felt alive, her emotions and adrenaline rushing through her very veins. Her body responded to his in such a way that she could have literally died and, being honest, she’d have died happy. He presented himself in such a fashion that his quirks interested her, fascinated her, due to being an individual amongst the many. Her mind listened, answering, the stimulus being more than physical.

More tears arrived, the clock still ticking, with each second escaping. An emotion would rise with the tick, then escape with the tock. She pushed her upper body from the floor, breathing in slowly through her nose, then out from her mouth. She would find calm. She would escape this ever-present trap to which she had bonded herself. No man, no person, neither entity or fabrication, would hold her from the world for long. She’d loved their time together, adored him, nearly loved him, despite his crushing departure. Used, but not abused, she at least took solace in knowing that such a person existed, actually desiring her, wanting her, to only then abandon her.

She changed her moving thoughts, locked them to the present ideal. She knew what she deserved, what she required and desired within her changing world, which meant that she could focus on finding that ideal. He was gone, absent, away to enchant another mistress with his grace and charm. Her fairy-tale would not stop here. She would strive forward, embrace the pain, envelop the emotions and learn from them. She’d build from whatever this place and moment represented.

Standing, she wiped away the tears upon her skin, once again smiling, realising that the moments within her life were but the ticking of a clock. Each second, a gift. Each tear, a learned moment of change. She turned, walking over to the old Longcase clock, placing her hand against the glass covering the large hands. She nodded, her eyes blinking, as she recalled her Mother’s words, “There will be days like this, with some seconds worse than others. Time, a second, is all you need to heal everything!”

Click to Listen