There was a brief moment, a second amongst the many hours without you, where I understand my own beliefs. I'm one of the good ones, or so I've been told again and again. It doesn't matter. It never does, as I'm always judged by that minute in time where I don’t look, say, or feel the right thing. It’s okay, it truly is, as this is life and I adore all of it no matter the side I'm facing.
There was a solitary moment, a word amongst the many I've written or said on this very day, where I lost myself. We all do this, whilst also doing that, the moment where you finally see the light within, fade, stutter, but still holding onto hope. We’re there one day, then the next we’re somewhere else.
There was a secondary moment, where I caught the breath escaping from my very lungs, at the same time as you witnessed me at the worst of times, the best of times, with the in between being everything else. If I could be perfect, I wouldn't wish to be. Honest. What would that give me? Your hand forever, your lips upon my skin until the day I died, or would it bring devastation to everything I hold dear? Probably all of the above. Life is not supposed to be a dream and neither, when you think about it, is perfection. We reach, we hold, yet the abandonment is hardly ever faced.
There was that moment, where I realised that my life, our lives, could actually be really accomplished if we’d just shut up. Forget the complaining, the nagging within our minds. Focus, that steadfast desire to improve, to pacify that inner need to be nurtured by others. You’re you, I'm the me in all of this, with only my own hands ensuring that I stand upon the waking of each morning. We seem to be a foundation of loose fitments. Strip you. Complete the basic you. Embrace the raw of your own body, that scared mind that flounders at the smallest of moments. We will see death, within our lifetimes. We will let go of all our loves. Kicking, screaming, holding and begging, it’ll all happen and then we will fade ourselves.
There was that year, where I faced the nightmares of my younger years. I've escaped, come to terms, resolved and thrived. There are moments, within all our lives, where what once was, will never, ever, be the same again. We, all of us, have no choice but to mature. Life will ask you, beg you, then show you, everything you've never wanted to see. The depths to which we can all fall, are rivalled by our capacity to climb from those dark depths towards the light. I believe. In you. For you. About everything you do. At one point I know I’ll probably change, in the distant future, but I hope that I never do.
There was that thought, within my mind, that shattered the moment that can never be approached again. I have witnessed my own mistakes, stood upon the highest pedestal within the court of life, then judged myself for the smallest crime in the harshest of ways. Admonishment, for a brief moment, has made me a better person. I don’t sidestep my faults. I don’t ignore them. I embrace them. Face them head on. Realising, accepting, then aggressively combating that failure.
There was that smile, the one where I realised something amazing. I’m blessed, as many of us are. I have people that I’d fight for, bleed for, embrace until the days ended in a blaze of fire filled glory. You know the good people in your life. You can feel them, know that they’re there, even when you haven’t seen them for weeks. Each one of them, complex bundles of life wrapped together with their many struggles, scars, accomplishments and solutions. For that I thank each of them. Every single one.
There was a brief moment, a second amongst the many years without you, where I understand my own mind. I'm trying to be one of the good ones, or so I've been thinking again and again. It doesn't matter. It never does, as I'm always viewed by that minute in time where I don’t look, say, or feel the right thing. It’s okay, it truly is, as this is life and I adore all of it no matter the side I'm facing.