Saturday, 1 June 2019

Care


As a young child I honestly fell in love with the very ideal of love. Maybe I watched far too many black and white movies, the angst and purity of caring for someone, that beautiful singular person that exudes the emotion and glances that melt your heart, mind and soul. It’s all a complex, silly, crazy mix and match of thoughts and ideals. I often wonder why I wish to love everyone, literally, as I try to find beauty in every single person.

Then, usually upon a certain day or moment, those ideals are wounded and torn. It’s life, it’s the way of things, which I accept as I'm hardly na├»ve to expect anything other than the imperfect ways of the world. I was still in primary school when my Father informed me, while walking through a Cathedral of all places, that there was no love between my Mother and Father. I simply didn't understand. Love was supposed to be forever. That changed things but I still believed and now, I do understand.

I'm the type of person that tries to see the positive in all things, despite my own thoughts realising the absolute futility of defined moments and realistic outcomes. Believe… until it’s time not to believe. Hold your tears… until it’s time for them to escape. I'm not a person that wallows in self-deprecation. If I have a problem, I’ll be the first to admit it, with no holding back, which then allows my mind to find a solution. I want to fix things. It’s what I do. Fixing others, on the other hand, is not for me to do. I realised a long time ago that people, realistically, seldom actually ‘wish’ to be fixed.

I pushed aside the thoughts that love didn't last forever. That was a mistake but, as with many things, time informs, and lessons are understood. So many times, over the years, I've heard that you must protect your heart. At all times. Now that I'm older I actually refute that claim. The heart, if you believe in that angle of thinking, is the stupidest notion/thing/ideal in the entire world. We know that it’s all chemicals, yet still cling to the ideal that there’s some imaginary portion dedicated to love. It is beautiful, it’s a calming notion, to think that a heart beats for us.

Love is selfish. Always has been, always will be. You know that love can be selfish when you try to impute a pure love with someone leaving you. We ‘should’ be happy to see the person we love with someone else. It didn't work, it didn't happen, but instead we have anger, loss, jealously and a whole load of idiotic moments. Once again, it’s life, love and the crazy motion and notion surrounding the very ideal. Don’t get me wrong, I'm as loopy as any love-struck idiotic person and will always dream of love, despite realising the pitfalls and agony that it procures.

So, yes, we all protect our hearts. I then start to laugh. No, we don’t. We’re ever so silly when confronted with ‘that’ smile that moves our hearts and naughty bits. We just fall in love again. Then, again. Once more. Another attempt. Repeat until tired, jaded, blaming everything and everyone for another failure and more. We, once again, protect our magical hearts.

We should throw that way of thinking out of the door. The heart will always do what the heart wants. There’s no stopping that second. There’s no moving the fact that some people do, will, have always, taken our very breath away. They walk in, logic and thinking walk out. That smile warms you, the way they move calms you, with the thought of that kiss flaring your needs to the point of overflowing desire. Just get it over and done with. Screw until you cannot stand. Enjoy life. Stop messing around and do not, at all, protect your heart. You have no choice. There will be tears. There will be moments of sorrow filled with solemn, deep, cutting, pain. Then, after you've erased their lips from your body you can move forward with healing. Heck… would it kill us to actually realise that some people are here today, gone tomorrow, with nothing more than our own selfish desires getting in the way? But, saying that, men and women should not lie. That’s critical.

I’m nearly getting to the point! All the talk of love, the heart, the never-ending bliss of holding a hand, has many of us confused. You do not need to protect your heart. We've never had to do that. It’s blocking our thinking from what we ‘do’ need to protect. Our minds. Your heart might be fragile, but it knows how to heal. It wishes, wants, recovers and pines for another. Your mind, on the other hand, is so very delicate. It thirsts to be fed. It’s the one and only source of everything within our worlds. It needs balance, it requires safety, calm and a haven to escape to. You’re trapped in a small room with yourself and, no matter how many times you try to escape, you’ll always return.

As a young child I honestly fell in love with the very ideal of love. I did watch far too many black and white movies, that seldom talked about the affairs of the mind, instead focussing on the heart. I now know that I no longer need to protect my heart. It’s my mind that I need to help, and it’s always been my mind. It’s all a complex, silly, crazy mix and match of thoughts and ideals. I've met a lot of people in my life, loved many, lost even more, but I'm finally in this place, that place, where I strongly realise that everything we are, is right there, wide open for everyone to see. Protect it, care for it, always, as a broken mind is far, far worse than a broken heart.




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