For most of my life, I’ve tried to do one thing, with that one thing being to heal. To fix. To adapt. To become something better than what I previously believed to be 'just' and 'correct'. This trend started around the age of thirty. I was no longer able or willing to blame others for what was, basically, my own mind doing what it does best. Think.
Eventually, after this, most of that, I reached a place of stability. Utter, clear, beautiful stability with no little voice proclaiming that I was such and such. This or that. The other. It was amazing. Little did I know… .
Over the last month, or so, I’ve realised that I was quite
lucky to no longer be clouded by ‘thinking’. It sounds odd but, thinking causes
so many issues in one’s life. You have a thought, a lovely, random, solitary
thought, to which you apply so much thinking that the one moment in time
becomes something else. You twist, turn, squeeze and, eventually, you allow
your mind to torture your very emotions.
I also did not know that our very hearts have something of a
brain, all to itself (as well as the gut). Your heart can think, in its own way, as well as
certainly feel. This, to me, explains a lot. I have a big heart. It’s
absolutely stupid, giving and very, very thick (when it’s engaged, that is).
All at once, your thoughts can completely take over your
life. It is… suffocating. It is… debilitating. Rational thoughts become idiotic
notions of grandeur. The common, cold, logical sense making way for daydreams
and over-consuming emotions. I need to understand. There’s a space within me
dedicated to understanding.
Then, from within myself, despite the many, many exploratory
sessions of self-help, study, understanding and learning, I realised that I’ve
never, ever, actually faced the real issues within myself. It’s startling. It’s
madness. It’s actually quite disheartening to know that everything you’ve ever
done to become whole, is swept aside within a second. You have further study.
You have far more reflection ahead.
It's daunting. It’s heavy. It’s also a little paralysing.
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Everything we are, everything we’ve become, stems from our learned behaviours as a child. From being slapped in a store, to being abused, to feeling intense loneliness and abandonment, to the momentary lessons of hugs, holding hands and more. There, I’ve said it. I’m not perfect and I never will be. I have demons, as well as saints, surrounding me.
Your inner child sits deep within the spaces that you never wished or thought to view. How
do I confront arguments/situations with the person I love? What is their inner child shouting? I suffer, I regress into
myself, hiding, with the adult in the background ‘screaming’ at me to say
something. Anything. I’m a rational person. I can connect to my emotions and
usually know what to say as I understand (as much as I can). Yet, once my inner child appears, I’m lost.
I’m done. The hurt repeats and I say and do nothing. I’m difficult to reach, at
times. I smile, I laugh, I joke and make others feel good whilst, at the same
time, wishing that I could just… allow my inner child to hold a hand the way
it’s supposed to.
If I hide, a little, the problem might go away! It doesn’t.
Without communication nothing is ever resolved. Without expressing our
emotional needs and the 'thinking' that has arisen from our ‘thoughts’, there can
be no progression.
I now stand upon a platform that’s flat against the ground.
The grass underneath, willing the platform to rise, to once again enjoy the
growing sunshine. I’ve never wanted to address my current situation, as I
realistically never even really knew it existed. I stopped growing. I stopped
learning, thinking that I was perfectly okay. I am perfect, we’re all perfect,
in our damaged, individual way.
It’s time to tackle, understand and embrace the biggest
issue(s) that any of us can face within our lives… the inner child that
suffered. It’s one heck of a thing, but in the end, it’ll ensure that I/we/the
person that wants to improve, becomes something of wonder. I’m all for fixing.
I’m all for growing. I’m not afraid of hardly anything but, right now, I’m
genuinely afraid of this. Why? I like the person I am, I’ve enjoyed my company and many, many others have also enjoyed my warm smile and silly words. Either way, I’ll grow, become a more rounded person, able to move forward with whatever life throws towards my path. It takes courage to be vulnerable, but it also takes courage to finally embrace change.
What will be, will be. In the end, life is an adventure and I do not wish to adventure on my own. It’s time to become all I can be. No more thinking, just glorious, magical, progressive thoughts. Isn’t embracing new ideas, adventures and exploring experiences a good thing?
After all, we’re just one thought and reset away from becoming
something brand new. See you on the other side, with new thoughts.
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