We

Right at this moment, one side of my head feels very, very odd. Yes, that’s my opening statement. Bit odd, but honest and to the point. I’m exploring, finding a frequency, trying to level up my life in a way that’s fruitful and sensible. Many find solace in a television screen, a bottle, promiscuity or substances. Me, I explore or, at least, I try.

Over the last few weeks I’ve read, studied, tried to understand and explored via meditative options. I’ve found nearly all of it sensible, honest, scientifically proven and although I’ve not enjoyed most of it, due to various reasons, I know that it’s a worthwhile endeavour. As above, I don’t hide. Well… not now, at least. I did, but that’s another story.

Over the years a few people have stated that I don’t open up. When (if) I do, you get to see, hear and feel the genuine person underneath the smiles and topics of jest. It is a wonderful moment. It’s rare and, ashamedly, a tragedy of immense proportions for someone like myself to hide the best part away. My emotions. “Not those again!” I hear you proclaim.

Yes. Emotions. I have lost so much due to them. Either too much emotion (early life) or too little (later on). This brings me to my inner child.

 

I have found the loneliest young child lying alone, in an incubator. That new-born was left without caring arms for twelve weeks. That, to a psychiatrist, is a time bomb of unhealed abandonment and trauma. Oh yes. Most certainly.

I have found the quietest young boy that just wanted his voice to be heard, not daring to speak, just in case the arguments started. Again. Over and over. The silence deafening, filling each room with dread and cold quiet. Best to play with my toys on my own.

I have found the smallest little boy screaming at the top of his lungs, asking not to be left alone, in an adult’s hospital ward, not knowing what to do other than to hold up his arms shouting, “Don’t leave me, you don’t love me, please…!” Then, after that moment, every single hospital day was blocked from my conscious memory and even now, I hardly recall anything from that time.

I have found the young adult pushing down his own abandonment and fear, as both parents did what they do, leaving. Both parents. Left. Fair enough. I understood the reasoning and didn’t, seemingly, become affected by it. I was.

I’ve also met a few others but they become a little dark so I can stop at this point.

In my life, I’ve met many, many people. Nearly all of them have suffered at one point in time, as a youngster. Even the smallest thing can leave an imprint upon a person. When we’re young our emotional safety and well being is a delicate balance of love, care and words. Even one word can change the way you perceive situations from that single point in time. It’s no wonder that the world suffers, as each child suffers. Trying to understand the bigger picture, the world around you, from an early age, is largely dependant on the adults and care givers around us. I don’t blame the adults, as it's a never-ending continuation of doing the best they/we can.  We’re not professionals (not that I’d know as the old child I’ve looked after is myself. Oh.)

Today, I met my fully abandoned self. I thought that I could meet each individual moment of my young life and, I have, but today was different. You could call your inner child your emotional stability/intelligence. You could call your inner child the part of you that has been wounded upon many occasions. You could also call your inner child a load of rubbish, but the data and information is there for everyone to see.

I know that I have emotional connectivity issues. Ask me an emotional question and I can develop and view nearly every single scenario. It’s been said many, many times, that I’m the most ‘understanding person’ that x or y knows, but that’s fine, as long as it’s not about me or the people I care about.

I retreat. I have retreated and it has cost me so very, very much. No more.

Today I descended into the back corners of my mind and, through a descriptive, imaginary situation from a professional, I opened the door to the place where all of my discarded emotions, memories and horrible situations go to die. They don’t vanish, unless you deal with them. Sat amongst the rubbish, within this dark horrible space, sat a young child. He was around seven or eight. Ideally, I should have seen a young baby in an incubator, but maybe I’ve dealt with that already.

The emotion was real. I’d hidden away. This child, this person, this very moment, has shown me what I’ve done with my emotional reasoning. ‘I’m worthless’, ‘I’m nothing’, ‘I don’t deserve…’, ‘I’m always alone’ and more. This is why I didn’t and don’t speak when my rational mind screams for me to do so. It’s actually quite a tragic series of life events. The love that I’ve damaged, the emotions I’ve missed, the stability that I’ve denied myself and more.

One could be overly dismissive about all of this and push it aside, but when we’re/you’re alone at night, in an empty bed, if you allow yourself to open up, you know that we all have something missing. Something that can be changed. Or, just continue eating crisps and shouting at the TV, ignoring the soledad (Spanish), solemn child within.

I wish for freedom. I no longer wish to love someone else, as I need and want and wish to love myself. I would, however, like to ‘share’ that love. I want my frequency to vibe with the best part of myself and others/another. I do not wish to be attached, as I would prefer to exist alongside. I have damaged myself so very, very much over the years and the fear of abandonment has silenced my inner voice. This is tragic. It’s unfortunate.

Thankfully, there’s further discovery to follow. There is far more teaching to understand. It’s all an adventure.

‘We’, are making progress. Each of my inner children, or the inner child that has been freed from a prison of my own making, are with me. We, can now develop, grow, understand and more. After all, if you release your inner child, then there’s a lot more work to do. I’m scared, intrigued, hesitant but willing to move forward. I refuse to spend another second trapped within my own prison.

…and no, I’m not going insane. Insanity is doing the exact same thing day in, day out. ‘We’, won’t do that anymore.

P.s. I now have an awful headache.