It’s happened again only, this time, it’s to a new level. In all my life, no matter what’s happened, I can honestly say that I haven’t had the worst life in this world. I have my health, I have my heart and, of course, everyone I meet states that I'm such and such. This and that. Supposedly all good which, of course, I do try.
I'm supposedly the kind of person that will help anyone, with nearly anything, but when it comes to asking for help in return it’s not often something I do. Call it upbringing, call it the small bit of Irish in me (had to get that in), or call it stubbornness, it’s in there. My own Mother used to literally break her back doing what she did so, in a way, that might be where it comes from. If you can do something yourself, you can do it yourself. Single Mothers know what I'm talking about.
Either way, I have friends, I have a very small Family, but there’s a big issue and it has now hit me. Head on. Full force. Knocked me for six. I literally have little idea of what to do now. I am struggling. Really, really struggling… and here come the tears. Now that I'm crying I can probably state that I've cried 20 times today. Yesterday was worse as I cried for longer. The day before the same. The day before that, I could feel my emotions start to appear.
I now consider myself completely broken. No rational thought, no knowledge that I have, even when I stand outside of myself and rationalise how I'm feeling, I simply cannot stop the emotion. It will stop, it has to stop, but I just don’t understand where it’s coming from.
I, right now, feel so isolated and alone it is crippling me. My body is weak, my mind is suffering, with the results being really, really odd at times. There is no happiness inside my head. Nothing. None. It’s gone. I was just about to release, or at least start, my special project which would make me proud but, sadly, that is on hold. I cannot do it. I've stopped yet still go to work. I take a break, go to an area, then I cry.
I, as above, have Friends. It’s not how it works. If you've lost your Family then you know… you… know. I, like many millions of people, don’t have a Father. My Mother is gone. My Step Father is amazing but why would I burden him? My Sister? We both feel the loss. Partner? I sent her away because I was starting to feel this way. Kids? None.
I was recently reminded how amazing Children can be. An endless source of fun, love, laughter and ridicule. I cannot begin to tell you how my heart felt. Touched is not the word and I felt something missing within me. But that is then and this is now. My head is bombarding me, shouting at me in a loud voice, constantly undermining me, which has come from so many things hitting me at once. No-one should ever place their emotional stability upon the shoulders of another person. It’s not right. It’s not fair. It’s too much.
I have spoken to people, not as much as I could have, as that’s private and no-one needs to hear that sort of stuff. Call this a mid-life crisis. Call this a moment of actual madness. Call it pulling your own rug from underneath you. The trouble with me, or people like me, is that we do have an endless heart. I have affection that could, possibly, cover the entire damn world. I believe in magic (in a sense), I believe that we’re all connected, and I also believe that because I have the heart that I do I can be absolutely stupid. Beyond measure. I will push someone out of my life because I dare not even ask for help.
I'm a man. I shouldn't have to ask for help. I should just get on with it. What if I had kids? (Then it would be a different story. My life would be theirs. I would cross heaven and hell for them). I am, or feel, completely alone although I know that I'm not. It’s a horrendous feeling that I haven’t felt since the age of 32.
I can go weeks not even speaking to one soul outside of work. I can walk up mountains on my own. I travelled half of Europe on my own. I don’t have an issue being alone. I just have a problem with where to put my grief, my pain, my anger, my heart, my energy and god forgive me for wanting some fire in my damn life.
I have self-destructed. No-one is to blame. Not one person. I simply cannot take being on my own at this point in my life. I am… very afraid and I'm not afraid of ANYTHING. I have options, but I’d rather push everyone away. This post, this here, is me being as genuine and as honest as a person can be. We are all human. We all have faults, pride, idiotic moments and more.
I know that I have many choices. Some drastic, mostly healing.
I will always choose healing. Always.