It’s happened again only, this time, it’s to a new level. In
all my life, no matter what’s happened, I can honestly say that I haven’t had
the worst life in this world. I have my
health, I have my heart and, of course, everyone I meet states that I'm such
and such. This and that. Supposedly all good which, of course, I do try.
I'm supposedly the kind of person that will help anyone,
with nearly anything, but when it comes to asking for help in return it’s not
often something I do. Call it upbringing, call it the small bit of Irish in me
(had to get that in), or call it stubbornness, it’s in there. My own Mother
used to literally break her back doing what she did so, in a way, that might be
where it comes from. If you can do something yourself, you can do it yourself.
Single Mothers know what I'm talking about.
Either way, I have friends, I have a very small Family, but
there’s a big issue and it has now hit me. Head on. Full force. Knocked me for
six. I literally have little idea of what to do now. I am struggling. Really,
really struggling… and here come the tears. Now that I'm crying I can probably
state that I've cried 20 times today. Yesterday was worse as I cried for
longer. The day before the same. The day before that, I could feel my emotions
start to appear.
I now consider myself completely broken. No rational
thought, no knowledge that I have, even when I stand outside of myself and
rationalise how I'm feeling, I simply cannot stop the emotion. It will stop, it
has to stop, but I just don’t understand where it’s coming from.
I, right now, feel so isolated and alone it is crippling me.
My body is weak, my mind is suffering, with the results being really, really
odd at times. There is no happiness inside my head. Nothing. None. It’s
gone. I was just about to release, or at
least start, my special project which would make me proud but, sadly, that is
on hold. I cannot do it. I've stopped yet still go to work. I take a break, go
to an area, then I cry.
I, as above, have Friends. It’s not how it works. If you've
lost your Family then you know… you… know. I, like many millions of people,
don’t have a Father. My Mother is gone. My Step Father is amazing but why would
I burden him? My Sister? We both feel the loss. Partner? I sent her away
because I was starting to feel this way. Kids? None.
I was recently reminded how amazing Children can be. An
endless source of fun, love, laughter and ridicule. I cannot begin to tell you
how my heart felt. Touched is not the word and I felt something missing within me. But that is then and this is now.
My head is bombarding me, shouting at me in a loud voice, constantly
undermining me, which has come from so many things hitting me at once. No-one
should ever place their emotional stability upon the shoulders of another
person. It’s not right. It’s not fair. It’s too much.
I have spoken to people, not as much as I could have, as
that’s private and no-one needs to hear that sort of stuff. Call this a
mid-life crisis. Call this a moment of actual madness. Call it pulling your own
rug from underneath you. The trouble with me, or people like me, is that we do
have an endless heart. I have affection that could, possibly, cover the entire
damn world. I believe in magic (in a sense), I believe that we’re all
connected, and I also believe that because I have the heart that I do I can be
absolutely stupid. Beyond measure. I will push someone out of my life because I
dare not even ask for help.
I'm a man. I shouldn't have to ask for help. I should just
get on with it. What if I had kids? (Then it would be a different story. My
life would be theirs. I would cross heaven and hell for them). I am, or
feel, completely alone although I know that I'm not. It’s a horrendous feeling
that I haven’t felt since the age of 32.
I can go weeks not even speaking to one soul outside of
work. I can walk up mountains on my own. I travelled half of Europe on my own.
I don’t have an issue being alone. I just have a problem with where to put my
grief, my pain, my anger, my heart, my energy and god forgive me for wanting
some fire in my damn life.
I have self-destructed. No-one is to blame. Not one person.
I simply cannot take being on my own at this point in my life. I am… very
afraid and I'm not afraid of ANYTHING. I
have options, but I’d rather push everyone away. This post, this here, is me
being as genuine and as honest as a person can be. We are all human. We all
have faults, pride, idiotic moments and more.
I know that I have many choices. Some drastic, mostly healing.
I will always choose healing. Always.
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