This morning I awoke to feel nothing. The silence
overshadowing everything within my life. I've been here before, many times, a
few times, more than that, depending on the second or minute you ask my mind
what’s right. Or wrong. A lot of wrong. Some right. Either way, despite the
circumstance, what will be is just that.
You've heard plenty of sayings, the memes of life, the
instructions that hardly no-one follows despite always agreeing but me, I, this
person here, doesn't believe that if it doesn't kill you, you’re made somewhat
stronger. We seldom learn from mistakes unless, for the moments where we hit
the rock’s bottom, we realise that we’re our own best, worst, enemy. The evil
outside, this world we inhabit, comes from within each of us. We blame, we
point, we harass and we send out such stupid hatred that the innocent within
corrupts. Absolutely.
I want to remain open, we must remain open, but life just
isn't giving me, or us, the opportunity to heal and move forward with ease. You
reach out, to hold a hand, maybe to simply speak, yet our own safety imperative
clouds the view of what other’s require. We are selfish, I thoroughly admit
this, to you and every single person out there, with the caveat that I actually
do not wish any other person harm.
So what is this feeling, or lack of, that’s growing, or
dying, within. It’s that safety feature. It’s within each of us. It stops me
feeling, caring, wanting to give a damn, for any other person. You know what I
mean. You've probably been there yourself, scratching at the walls of your own
mind, asking for rescue and seeking the assistance of another. In the end, when
we have done what we've said, we know that realistically we are our own rescue.
What can someone else provide for you? If you’re mentally strong,
to a point, you know that involving others into your own sordid recovery is
best left alone. If you’re mentally broken, damaged, smashed into small bits,
then seek help, involve the correct people, the official people, but until
then, recover your own way.
Maybe this is all normal. Maybe I need to repeat those words
to myself. We all need to revert to
being a caterpillar at various points of our lives, we do, as long as we
eventually return to being a butterfly. I need this transition. We need to do this
yet, for some reason, we do see far too many caterpillars out there within this
world.
Last night I could feel the doors closing. Slowly, With
purpose. I don’t like the feeling, I don’t relish the lack of emotion, but
within all of us there’s a thing called a heart. Or a soul. Or our mind.
Depends on what we believe, what we understand. Me, I, this person here,
realise that it’s all within my mind but the young starry-eyed fool wants the
three to be separate. I want to think with my mind, love exclusively with my
tremendously caring heart and, finally, embrace you with my soul. Or, in other
words, just hold your hand. Such a simple thing yet it’s absent from so many
hearts/minds/souls of this land.
I'm not going crazy, as I'm rationally looking within myself,
testing, knowing, realising the emotional state that’s happening. Learn this.
Hold this. Understand yourself. Avoid the outbursts of pure emotion. We’re no
longer children, in ways, able to discern the complexity of the words and
thoughts that threaten our stability and poise.
This morning I awoke to feel nothing. The silence being a
long-forgotten friend of mine. We chatted, for the smallest of times,
exchanging notes concerning how things have changed over the years. I am more
mature, I have grown, refined the processes ingrained and defined from outside
assistance. It’s amazing to feel, or not feel, the change. We can learn, we can
protect ourselves. Believe in your own minds capacity to run for safety, to
heal, to become something stronger. I do, despite the process, so see you on
the other side of safety. The other side of feeling… nothing.
--------------------
Please remember that, unless stated, blog posts are works of fiction. (With a sprinkle of experience)
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: only a member of this blog may post a comment.