I tried. I truly, truly tried, then failed. I raised the defences
years ago, solidified them, moulded them, only to see them all fall within mere
moments of a simply beautiful, little, kiss. I fell away, drifted, only to find
that every waking moment wanted me to return to you.
I'm supposed to be the one that escapes such things, easily
bruised, cut, but always managing to survive. I've seen all corners of the
emotional scale, and I appreciate it all. The heartbroken, the mild heart-breaker,
the wisher of love and giver of such affection, that I don’t even know the limits.
You said my name, light the flame, filled my eyes with your
splendour and the rest was said and done.
The worlds we lived within, the places we inhabited, crashed together
all at once and at a time of such tragedy.
I could love, truly love, forever and a day. I would hold you
until my very heart broke away from my chest but that, that type of thing, is
simply not allowed. I refuse. I state my concerns against such a thing. It is
not for me or for the now. My grace within
this world is kept for the wondrous, the dreamers, the beautifully minded
of this existence.
Shielded, shrouded with a mask of smiles and sunshine, I
know what’s underneath, sleeping, waiting, denied the chance to surface into
the real world. I lack fire, a flame, that moment that truly awakens a person
into being. It’s okay, don’t worry, we’re all hiding from something.
Yet, no matter the shields, the capacity to shrug away the
words and actions, I still managed to fall. Weakened by circumstance, the
moments colliding into each other, I dared to move forward and hold a hand. It
was held. It was held by such warmth that something moved within my chest. I
ignored the fear, I denied the hope, suffering on so many levels that I couldn't
see or even sense what was about to happen.
I fell. The angels wept for me. They prayed for me. They
could see me in the dark room, huddled within a corner of my mind, replacing
all fears and tears with the thought of you. My mind overpowered me, held me
down, striped me of my strength and purpose. I tried. I fought as hard as I
could but the damage was already done.
At this time in my life I craved an empress, not a mistress,
to embrace my world. I can be all powerful, I can command my own life and
actions but for once, for twice, I wanted to hear a commanding voice enliven my
world.
But, instead, I landed upon my knees, looking into the
stars, realising that all the majestic moments in the world had forsaken me by
turning their backs to my plight. Maybe, just maybe, this was meant to be. I
had healed, I had been broken. Naked, no longer able to hide behind any fear,
as fear itself thrashed me to an inch of my own life. This. This is what makes
a person. Do not look away from the demon within you. Face it. Embrace it. Overcome
it. This is what I will do.
I can smile, right at this moment, realising the mistakes I've
made and said. It’s too late. Truly too late to re-imagine the nightmares
digesting my brain and life. What I can do now is wait. What I can do now is
seek healing. With no defences left, no failings left to use, I will still
crawl to sanctuary. I will never, ever, give up. No matter my state of mind. No
matter the loss, the suffering, the moments where all I'm left with is tears
and anguish. I'm alive. I'm beating with
my own heart and I will never, ever, give up. I have no platforms to rest upon
and neither will I need such things.
You walked through my defences, as low as they were, embraced
me, then erased me and the rest is history. No matter the moments that existed,
no reason that I can think of to fall away again, I crawl to the gate, I bang
upon the door and await my saviour. Today, when I embrace my heart and mind, I
will admit, I will loudly proclaim to all who look upon me, then shout as
loudly as I can…
“I surrender!”
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