Monday, 15 October 2018

Various 01

Here are some of the posts that weren't finished or I decided not to post. (Please ignore the errors)

In life we have these things called good days, bad days, sensible days and, of course, loving days. Each of them, every second, no matter the trials and tribulations, are ever so precious. Those moments, the valuable seconds, all to be remembered and smiled upon.

Then, within those seconds, there’s you. Beautiful, stupendous you, marvellously complex you. It’s ever so easy, daunting, a task within itself, to be surrounded by the pure fireball of thought that’s you. You alone, just you, are what makes the world tick that little bit easier.

No matter the compliment, no matter how obvious my eyes make the words seem, there’s the constant denial that you’re not perfect. You call, you state, you cry, you get cross, exclaiming that you have real faults but I declaim otherwise. Those supposed faults are you, making you the person that you are. The real person. Imagine a world full of perfect people, for a few seconds, then realise how boring and silly that world would be. The scars of life, the memories, the small little motions, make you absolutely perfect to someone such as myself.

Each time you speak, whatever words arrive from your heart, I cannot help but want to kiss you, hold you and more.

The day fades, the voices fall away, that congestion of thoughts and vehicles vanish to allow the clarity of relaxation invade your thoughts. This is the moment, the second, another hour before I finally allow myself to escape the living world. I’m going to dream and, for the many hours, I’m going to dream of you and only you.

Maybe we’ll fly, maybe you’ll fade into the backdrop of my colour filled adventure, or hopefully, we’ll endeavour to stay forever while holding hands. Flying as fast as the wind will allow, hands touching the long grass, feeling the dream against of hearts and minds. Either way, whichever way, it’s with you and that’s what’s right.

Ever closer, the words and thoughts starting to drag, a few seconds more and I’ll finally fall. Fall for you, fall into the void, the ever-present imaginary world of our own making. This time we’ll be floating upon the softest candy filled creation, the place where sweet wishes are made. Maybe not, maybe you’d prefer to be somewhere else.

The room I’m sitting in is very small, possibly the smallest room that I’ve ever been in, despite being here many, many times before. This room, unlike your room, is my very own mind. It’s quiet, deftly quiet, the kind of quiet that people spend their entire lifetime trying to find.

Normally I wouldn’t be in here, at this moment, as I’d be out there, doing things and probably smiling. It’s a shame, a tragedy, as I once again reside within the nothingness of not actually knowing what I’m going to do. To others being lonely is a horrendous feeling, cutting, suffocating, while still carrying on with their lives. For me it’s all about moments. I’ll be perfectly fine, with no emotion at all, then a wave of overpowering feelings will strike me down wherever I am.

I know, I know, it’s odd to hear a man state such things but it’s all true. You’re beautiful, amazing, stunning in so many ways. Ego aside, all defences down, I could happily admit that to the entire world without hesitation. Heck, without you, I don’t even have that ego to set aside if you’re not in my life.

I was wandering around in the world, stumbling, replicating the same old same old day in, the same day out. My purpose wasn’t directed, wasn’t focused, until that one solitary day that everything changed. I was there, sitting there, taping away on a keyboard at the usual café of choice. The obvious beverage being ingested in order to concentrate on the words, those words, that simply failed me the moment you appeared.

I can play it cool, aloof even, but something broke within in, something melted, reducing me to a heart beating idiot that couldn’t find those words. Me, this guy, the smooth façade failing right when I needed it most. You did notice my slight stare, the awkward moment with my mouth slapping against the floor. It happens, it can happen.

Composure regained control and I continued to tap away at the keyboard and, as you asked for directions to such and such a place, with the answer not appearing, I quickly searched and found the place you were looking for. A quick conversation, a couple of laughs later, maybe even a long held smile, we sat together and exchanged world ideals. We ridiculed everything, laughed at the world at large, reminiscing about what has been, had been, would be.

It was a beautiful moment, a bonding of two strangers, the kindness flowing between us and the world. I knew that I could stare at you all day but that would have been rude. I even told you so. You replied that I could, that I should, that I would be allowed to do so later on a proper date. I accepted, picked the date and time, with the rest being history.

The thing about beauty, that we both knew, is that no matter how beautiful the external seems the internal beauty can abolish any of those tempting smiles. Beauty needs to be all the way through to the core and, between us, we had enough beauty to raise the world to a new and exciting place. There’s that ego again, jumping in, making me say silly things. Match a 5 to a 10 and you get 15.

There’s something wrong, within me. It’s been slow to form, over a couple of years, but I know that it’s there as I can feel it getting stronger and stronger. It’s that old friend, anger. Not to be confused with your long lost friend loneliness or any of the other negative emotion. I might use the word negative but, at times, anger might not actually be as negative as we believe. It can fuel a person, fire them into a frenzy of action and as long as that action is positive, then fair enough.

I’m not an angry person. At all. Not even remotely. But once angered it boils. With me there’s two types. Type one is the cold instant logical anger where I literally blow my top while still remaining completely rational, sane, but with venom in my instantly calculated words. The other is the slow kind. Creeping, undermining, placing me into situations and those thoughts that simply do not belong. We’ve all been angry, we’ve all lost it, but this isn’t me. Never has been.

I could list a few reasons for being angry, or feeling the bubbling undercurrent, but maybe it’s just as simple as turning a tap. Things build in life. The crisps down the side of your car seat. Your electric bill. Taxes and more. Instead of going on and on and being all super-duper intense, using long words that even I don’t understand, I’ll find a solution.

The last time I was angrier than Superman with no clean pants, all those many, many years back, I turned to beating a bag with my legs, knees, elbows and fists. It did wonders. It also meant blood, sweat, shouting, chewing of biscuits and more. It was amazing. An actual outlet for anger. When I wrote the Angel blog post (Which I’m sure that you’ve read. Haven’t you?) I could literally imagine every single moment. Every fist, punch, blade impact and more. It’s intense stuff writing. You have to be in the right mode, the appropriate mood, so maybe I should channel this new anger into multiple avenues. There’s also the gym but that’s normal.

The reason why I’m writing this, other than to get views, reads, free crisps (But not from the side of your car) as well as opening up a little, is that we all have emotional stuff going on. Maybe not. Hopefully not. But if you do what is your channel of expression?  How do you vent or release? It’s important to never, ever, keep certain emotions locked inside. Sure, we don’t want people going nutso if they don’t get their double espresso latte supreme mocho dairy free with flake, cream and pom poms coffee, but we should find sensible, safe methods of rescue.

Have a think. What emotion is currently starting to control you? What can you do to stop it. Heck boredom might even be an emotion which means that we should find something to cure that.

Happy hunting (Not literally).

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