Saturday, 17 November 2018


Turning, knowing what she would find, her hand touched the bed sheet and she felt the tears rise within her. Alone, in their bed, she closed her eyes and begged the world, one more time, to bring him back to her. She knew that the world seldom answered any questions, let alone the most important and imperative needs. She’d managed to sleep, for the shortest time, even as the weeks moved along in her mind. Each day, every day, the same. Her purpose, or at least her motivation, gone from the world never to return.

The tears fell, her suffering rising to her lips and she screamed at the top of her voice as her fingers scrunched the sheet into her closed, tight fist. The anguish, the loss, trying, somehow, to escape yet remain deep, sealed, within her very thoughts and blood. Her thoughts lapsed, fell from her mind, as she relived the same moments again and again.

They’d met many years previous, through a mutual acquaintance, but not something akin to a blind date. This was mutual. This was between the both of them. The usual crowded room. Many, many people, some trying to find her attention, many falling flat, but her radiance and glow seemed to attract them all. She was free, happy, living her life the way she wanted and that, to her, was of the utmost importance. Then, from across that crowded room, she caught his eye. Somehow, she knew that someone, somewhere, was looking at her. That sense of something else and maybe, just maybe, that’s why she felt as happy as she did within that small hour of her life.

The moment she smiled at him, looked down, done the usual looking but not looking thing, she watched as he immediately walked all the way across the room to stand right in front of her. A man of confidence, or maybe it was the fact that, as he had stated, ‘he just had to speak to her’. He said so many things in that short time, the moments that managed to make her feel wanted, excited, that small bit happier and that was before the final second. In that final second he’d simply kissed her on the cheek. Such a small moment. A tiny gesture. But that moment always stayed with her.

As soon as he’d arrived, he’d left, without giving her his number. She’d felt the emotion fall within, for a few moments, but trusted that he would do as she thought he would. He did. He really did. They dated. They really, really dated. She’d call them dates but they were actually adventures as, for some reason, he was alive in so many, many ways. Each time she’d see his face he’d smile in such a way that made her heart flutter. He wasn't perfect, but saying that, neither was she. He overlooked any issues she had, the small things, the big things, any single thing. He would stand upon a box, a stone monument, to proclaim that she was perfect. For him. When with him.

He truly lifted her life to another level. Any doubts, any fa├žades broken through despite her best efforts. He knew her. Really, really knew her. The darkest fears that even her own Mother dare not discover. She was his open book and he, just this man, her man, could write his name all over her. Again and again and again. She’d loved, had lovers, but he’d taken the time, eventually, slowly, to discover her. As he said, as she’d hoped, they had many years to find the map to each other’s soul.

Together, they owned the room. Apart, they defined their connection and returned to destroy any place where they were alone. His love, his actions, truly the work of a man with morals, respect, the depth to actually appreciate and understand the levels to which a woman could fall, would rise, could conquer and become.

Then, within a second, he was gone. The tears roared within her, the raw feelings ripping at her heart and mind. She curled into a ball, arms holding her legs against her chest. No tears, no emotion, the depths of her soul, nothing, could console her aching heart. She knew that she’d continue, she knew that she’d make it through the following weeks. It was a certainty as he, that man, on that final day, had made her promise. He made her promise to continue. To carry on. To him, once made, a promise was the most important words spoken by any person. She made that promise and then, on that final day, he closed his eyes.

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