In our lives, I truly believe that we’re supposed to obtain balance. A calm. A knowing that everything within our lives is, more or less, as it should be. Sure, I desire and love adventure, even live for it, but I do want more than a solitary existence. I’d love to feel joy at all times but, as life is the way it is, I’m comfortable with fleeting moments of joy as some things, some emotions, are difficult to maintain when life throws stuff at you. Realism, being realistic, is something that could be said to be sensible.
I’ve not feared much, other than being abandoned, but that’s my inner-child, parental induced fears rearing their heads. Dealt/dealing with that, thanks for asking. For once in my life, I’m learning to be ‘fully’ alone. The trouble is, as I’ve read a hundred times, we’re never alone. Ever. You will always have ‘you’ within your own mind and that… that alone, ‘should’ be enough to satisfy a heart. As long as the inner child is safe, secure, educated and nourished, we should be balanced human beings. Sharing is where it’s at. From fear to love. A vibrational analysis. I’m also understanding that I cannot fix anyone else. That’s their journey and, as I’ve found, seldom do people resolve their issues and then, as usual, commit the exact same mistakes over and over again (as I have!). You HAVE to face your fears. Absolutely, completely, or they will keep you confined.
The ’thing’ with having yourself as a passenger, is that it’s all bundles of fun and silence, ‘if’, you’ve found a balance. I had. I did. I was balanced (to an extent), but that’s been removed for a small amount of time. The mind taunts, the mind deludes, and above all, the mind persecutes.
There are so many emotions that we can feel, that we can ‘think’ into existence. Shame, supposedly at the bottom of the pile, is something that I’ve felt at a younger age. It’s an awful emotion, a terrible feeling which, thankfully, has slowly faded away over the years. Dealt with it, been there, cried, thought about it all, admitted it, realised that no-one really cares that much. Shame eats at a person.
Then there’s guilt and apathy. Guilt is something that I do feel, from time to time. I said and did this. I could have said that instead. Why did this happen? Why didn’t that happen? It revolves and, again, eats at a person. The past is the past. We can only appreciate, understand, learn, adapt and vow to never, ever, make the same stupid mistakes again. This is life. We’re not perfect. Thankfully, I’m not blind to my mistakes and I own them, acknowledge them and act to fix them (I hope). Apathy, for one, is a place that we do not need to find ourselves. I’ve felt, funnily enough, apathy (which sounds odd as you feel nothing at all). For a year, or more, I felt nothing. I simply did not care but, as with many things that we block, once you open up, the emotions arrive at speed. We have to feel, we have to experience, otherwise we miss so much life. I’d rather cry for an entire month, than feel absolutely nothing for a week (well… maybe).
Grief, usually, arrives with its friend, fear. I’ve felt grief. I’ve felt grief like you couldn’t imagine. I’ve lost quite a lot, maybe less than some, more than others, but I’ve been there. Life moves forward and it becomes lonely. Grief, at times, is a reminder of how brittle life can be. Grief can create a near physical pain within the mind which, I’m afraid, I’ve experienced far too many times. Fear is something that I’m okay with, dealing with the feeling, moving it to the side, as I’m not really afraid of much. Grief, as above, is something that I simply do not want. Depending on the cause, grief will/can stop us loving someone again and that, I’m afraid, is the fear of being brutally disappointed, cast aside and left. This is a fear that I must overcome. Eventually. Losing someone to life is… devastating. It’s something we’ll ALL have to face.
Desire has its place within the world. It is, unfortunately, often placed in a situation where it really shouldn’t belong. It can cause people to do some silly, silly things. Desire goes against the universal law of attraction, the freedom of allowing the magnetism of the world to care for your wants, whilst also being a little bit strong. Sure, if you’re in a loving relationship, use the word to create smouldering affection that burns the room down, but release the intensity afterwards. We should not, realistically, ‘desire’ anyone. If you desire a new car, go for it, but the strength of the word probably means that the car will not quench the ‘desire’ once you have what you want. I’ve never really desired anything, or anyone, although Brie Larson rings a bell. I’ve given up on Jennifer Love Hewitt. We, of course, desire what we no longer have, once it’s gone. Desire is best abandoned quickly within your thoughts.
Anger. Anger is a good one. I’ve wallowed in anger in my younger years. It can get you through heartbreak, it can manifest strength as well as a purpose, and it can allow you to punch and kick until your fingers bleed. Thankfully, we reach an age, or a place, where anger no longer reaches into our hearts and hurts us. There’s been times where I wanted to be angry, but I’ve held it down (tried to), within me, in order not to be nasty or to ‘snap’ comment. ‘Do not attack!’ is something I often say to my inner mind. Anger serves no purpose to a civilised person. Once you feel anger, you’ve lost a small part of the conversation, yourself, as well as your body chemistry. It has no place within my world. Unless I’m pushed and pushed. People that love you should never, EVER, present anger to your heart. It is a reflection of their personality and often not on your actions (unless you’re being a dick).
Then there’s pride. Oh, my friend pride. Each time I’ve felt the feeling rise within me, someone or something has come along and smacked me in the gut. I’m not sure if I can realistically feel pride at this moment in my life. I’ve seemingly lost a great big part of myself. What once was, can never be the same again. Pride is neither here nor there for someone like myself. I’ve owned this, done that, been there, but it doesn’t really mean ‘that’ much to me in a pride sense. I’ve simple needs from the world. I’d just like to hold someone’s hand. That’s pretty much it. No pride required. Replace pride with a shared love and THEN you’re talking.
To escape most of the above, you have to have the little thing called courage. I’m currently finding my courage (again). Slowly, surely, it’s increasing. I’ve felt so many differing emotions over the last few months, that I ‘had’ to find my courage eventually. Then, at some point, we find our next little gem: neutrality.
Neutrality is a safe place to exist. It won’t win any awards, but’s it’s comfortable. Reasonable. When people are searching for their next high, the next person or event to satisfy their never-ending needs because their own existence is boring as hell, I’m over in the corner doing my own thing. I do enjoy life and I do enjoy adventures, but feeling negative emotions is not for me. I want them to go away as soon as possible. Neutrality is the absence of strong feelings. I ‘do’ wish to be in love, but love can descend into a lot of negative emotions. Communication is everything and yet, the safest place in the world is neutrality. Sometimes we DO have to face situations. Sometimes we ‘do’ have to face our fears, find the courage, as we become stronger people for facing what is often ourselves. I ‘feel’ that I need to escape the neutral zone (not that I’m there yet). Level-up, become more, embrace one of the positive emotions and work with it. Such is what will be.
After that little slice of pie, one cannot always stay neutral, which brings us to willingness. We have to be willing to embrace new adventures. New experiences. Often, if we’re unhappy, we project that unhappiness onto the people we love the most. It’s not the other person’s fault, as we’re ALL responsible for our own lives, our own emotions and that’s what conversation is for. We have to be willing, to show that willingness, to be ready, eager and prepared to do something. I’m willing to embrace change, to do what’s necessary, but I haven’t always been that way. Sometimes we stand still. Life is moving, so we have to move with it. I’m willing to progress, as soon as I reach a level where I can do so. The flow of life is in my soul right now. Let it be and let it happen naturally… .
Then, once we’re willing, there’s acceptance. I’ve had to accept a lot, lately. When your emotional stability is shattered, that’s one thing. When your self-esteem is flattened and you feel that every good quality you’ve possessed meant jack all, that’s another. When you mix them all up, you realise that you have no choice but to learn, adapt, change, re-evaluate, overcome your negative emotions and move forward. Even when every single person you know shouts at you, ‘not’ to change, as you’re awesome, or amazing, you still have to accept… you’re not perfect. You failed. Eventually, via acceptance, we should allow ourselves access to something greater. Events in life give people opportunities to improve, to learn or, to just keep on doing the same thing that they’ve always done. For the latter, nothing will ever change. Be willing to improve, or stagnate. Thank you for my lesson (universe).
We need a reason. Powerful events have happened over the ages, due to various reasons. We do need a cause, an explanation, or even a justification for an event. It’s difficult to find any reason, once you’re knee deep in negative emotions, but if we’re willing and have found acceptance, we can find a reason for most things. Become a 2.0 version of yourself. Don’t believe the inner monologue that constantly shouts at you. We ‘are’ good enough. We ‘are’ worthwhile. We ‘do’ deserve (self) love.
Once we’re on the path or, as I’ve told myself, clearing the path of rubbish thoughts and increasing our knowledge with books and meditation, we can eventually find that thing called... love. Personally, I absolutely refuse to love another person for the rest of my life. No. It’s NOT going to happen. Instead, I’m learning to accept, to find a reason, to ‘share’. Each person should have their own love, that they’d like to share. I don’t want someone to prop up my emotional stability, as that can lead to disappointment, anger and more. Don’t do it! Your imagination, or soul, is both your enemy AND your saviour. We allow it to imagine such negativity, whilst possibly ignoring the fact that it can fix so much. I have nothing else to say about Love. It's a subject for another time, another year.
After love, there’s joy. I cannot really state that I’ve felt that much joy. I have, at times, as well as peace. Or, possibly, ‘think’ that I have. Peace, to me, is holding the hand of the person I love. I’ve felt such calm within my heart and soul that I cannot express how good it actually felt. The trouble with joy and peace, is that it’s fleeting unless two people are grounded, tuned to each other and want the same things. Even then, it’s not enough. (Communication and understanding can find peace AND joy!)
It's not enough, as we’ve all experienced a lifetime of emotions. We’ve been hurt, thrown away, abandoned, abused, treated like utter crap and more. We’ve experienced the roller coaster rides and, even I, have been angrily berated because I find the middle ground a good place to be (who would have thought that a Libra would think SUCH a thing!?). Even now, I’m in an emotional strife that should fully pass within another couple of months. I don’t want to live within the negative emotional words! Living a solitary life means that you can find a place of calm. On the other hand, I refuse to stay on my own as we’re not meant to be that way. I’m not giving up just yet!
Finally, we have enlightenment. I’m trying! Honestly, I
really am. From an emotional standpoint, we’re all in different places. I have
a mix of anger (at myself, mostly), a small amount of fear, a lessening source
of grief, no pride, increased courage, with willingness and acceptance starting
to appear. Will we ever find enlightenment? Sure, we will, we can, if we try.
All we need is to be willing, to accept, to find the reason, embrace our own
love, find joy, hold peace and then… anything is possible. That’s all. No
biggie. After all, WE are in control of our feelings and that fact alone should
and can save every single one of us, from our... (negative) emotions.
P.s. Now all I have to figure out is why I keep waking up at 5/6am EVERY SINGLE morning!